Health jokes

*Breaking News!* - Apparently the first person in Melbourne has died because of the Coronavirus. In his house they found 1000 cans of food, 50 kilos of pasta, 80 kilos of rice, 300 toilet rolls and 50L of hand sanitiser which he had panic purchased from the supermarket and stockpiled "just in case".

The whole lot collapsed and buried him.

A woman delivers a baby. The doctor takes the baby and throws it, smashing it around the hospital room, drop-kicking it, etc. The mother starts freaking out, being held back by nurses, begging, “WHYYYY!!??”. The doctor holds the baby upside down by the ankle and says, “I’m just fucking with you, it was born dead”.

Did you hear about the new Pixar movie? It's about cancer patients. It's called "Finding Kemo."

What did the blind deaf kid get for Christmas? Cancer.

Corona be like:

Eliminating half the population of boomers faster than Thanos.

*snap*

The next time you get a sack call, pick up the phone and say, "Welcome to Pete's pizzeria and abortion clinic. Your loss is next week's sauce. How may we help you?"

What's thick, long, hard, and has cum in it?

Cucumber. Lol. I love the way you think.

Stephen Hawking has enough money to stand up, but can’t grab the money.

How do you circumcise a hillbilly? You kick his sister in the jaw.

I had to go to the doctor for a prostate exam. When he stuck it in, I started to squirm, so he held onto my shoulder.

I thought it was going well, until he grabbed my other shoulder as well.

What's an edible part of a wheelchair?

A vegetable!

Your momma's so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.

A woman goes into labor with her child. The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer the pain of childbirth to the father. He asks if it is ok to use the new device. The couple agrees and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%. The man feels nothing.

They then bump it up to 20%. He still feels nothing. They keep doing this until they have the machine up to 100%. The man still felt nothing so they go home happy, until they find the milkman dead on the porch.

What's Technoblade's actual Zodiac Sign?

Cancer!

Bros got barcode arms.

What do you call a hung autist...

Dead.

"Jack and Jill went home because he was sick because of the virus in town, gave him a frown, and his arms were pricked."

I gave up hope and I liked it!!

I take meds to feel fantastic! (I kissed a boy{but fed up lyrics})

Why are you so tired if you can’t see? Because you are blind.

How does a lady with stage 3 cancer introduce herself?

"Hey y'all, I'm Diane."