Health jokes
Ms. Katie: I heard about a Vegan baby.
Mom: Here’s your Happy Meal.
Ms. Katie: That’s not vegan, did you trick me?
Kids: Yeah!
Ms. Katie: That’s it, little baby Jimmy, I’m giving you shaking baby syndrome!
Mom: Please don’t hurt my son.
*Ms. Katie shakes Jimmy*
Mom: I’m secretly a cop, and you are arrested.
Your friend lost his left arm, and after getting out of the hospital, you ask him if he’s OK. He says, "Yeah, I’m all RIGHT."
What do you call a Black person having a seizure?
Q: What's the difference between a computer and an abortion clinic? A: Ctrl+Alt+Delete
My therapist said time heals all wounds. I stabbed him. Now we wait...
Boy: Mom, why are you drinking this disgusting red soup? I wanted salad.
Mom: Quiet, son. We only get this once a month.
What does a beaten woman do when she comes home from the hospital?
Dishes if she knows what's good for her health.
It’s really hard to maintain a good body lately, unless you put it in a freezer.
If you cut off your head, you can't breathe.
You also can't breathe if you die.
So why isn't it debreathiation?
When that one night stand says she has AIDS but you laugh, "I choose D!"
She says...wait what?? I have all of the above! XD
What is an obese lady's blood type?
Nutella.
Where do spiders seek health advice? WebMD.
What’s red, 11 inches, and makes my girlfriend cry when I slap her with it?
Her miscarriage.
What's the worst part about eating vegetables from the hospital?
The life support cord.
What do a gynecologist and deaf people have in common? They both read lips.
Have you ever heard of hearing aids?
Yeah, me neither.
Official orgasm donor.
Why did the rapper go to the dentist?
Because he had too many FILL-INS.
What’s the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?
The wheelchair.
Why did the pirate go to the gym?
To improve his booty strength!