Health jokes
Have you heard about the new Russian STD? Rottsmikokov.
What do you call an anorexic person with a yeast infection?
A quarter-pounder with cheese.
Someone walked into a cancer ward and asked for a skin fade.
Why do cheetahs have spots?
Chickenpox!
Why did the doctor check out Earth?
He had a tummy quake.
Memes
hahhahahahaha
My sister got in a car crash a couple days ago. When she got to the hospital, the doctor told her that she needed to get metal mechanics in her leg.
She got really scared and yelled at the doctor, telling them that, “I will not get those implanted in my leg.” I guess she just doesn’t associate with knee gears.
What’s the most common name for cancer patients?
Luke (leukemia)
A woman wakes up in a hospital after an accident and yells, "Doctor, Doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
And the doctor says, "I know, I amputated your arms."
If you turn Down syndrome upside down, do they have Up syndrome now?
A woman delivers a baby. The doctor takes the baby and throws it, smashing it around the hospital room, drop-kicking it, etc. The mother starts freaking out, being held back by nurses, begging, “WHYYYY!!??”. The doctor holds the baby upside down by the ankle and says, “I’m just fucking with you, it was born dead”.
Why doesn't Africa have pharmacies?
Because you can't take drugs on an empty stomach.
Why do pills work?
Because they are white.
The lady was so fat that when she stepped on the scale, the scale responded with, "I need your weight, not your phone number!"
A lady sees a doctor about a tummy ache. After her check up, the Doctor said, “Looks like you’ll be needing nappies in about 9 months time.”
The lady asks, “Am I pregnant?” To which the Doctor replied, “No, you’ve got bowel cancer.”
Why is mercury like everything else in the world?
Because it gives you cancer.
How do you get chewing gum out of your hair?
Cancer.
A man once went to a doctor because his leg was turning blue.
The doctor said that his leg had to be amputated as it was getting poisonous.
The man then got plastic prosthetics.
Next day even the prosthetics started turning blue.
After much examination, the doctor found that the patient's pants were shedding color.
What's an edible part of a wheelchair?
A vegetable!
What are the four letters you don’t want to hear from a dentist?
I C D K
I can make a word with those: "DICK".
How do you stop constipation?
You scare the crap outta them.
(Crap is another word for poop.)