My joke is your life support getting unplugged because my phone is about to die.
Patient number 14 was diagnosed with stage 4 melanoma—a type of skin cancer. Pretty ironic how he travels. He went to terminal 14.
What’s a guy with Tourette’s favorite app to use? Tiktok.
Math Teacher: "If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other hand, what do I have?"
Student: "A drinking problem."
Your mama is so fat. She gets winded just thinking about running.
Question: Did you know that "diarrhea" is hereditary?
Answer: It "runs" in your jeans!
Why do people never kick their own balls?
Because they might lose one!
Doctor: I have bad news.
Man: What?
Doctor: There are two things wrong with you. First, you have cancer.
Man: Oh, no...
Doctor: Second, you have Alzheimer's.
Man: Well, at least I don't have cancer!
Doctor: You have cancer.
Patient: Will I survive?
Doctor: Probably not.
Drinking coffee when you're anxious is about as effective as using gasoline to put out a fire, but slurp slurp guess who's an anxious bitch who never learns.
I caught the flowers at a wedding--now married to a hot guy. But then I caught an STD at a funeral, I kinda nervo.........
That awkward moment when you thought the guy was a pretty good magician, and only then realize he simply suffers from leprosy.
The 9/11 and the Spanish flu are kind of similar.
The Spanish flu was a very dangerous flu, and in 9/11, something very dangerous flew.
Hey, that's the thing my grandpa has. They say that to treat it, I should call him a bitch!
Your mum went to the dentist so she could install Bluetooth.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch some chips and sweets.
No, he can't keep his heart rate down, and she's got diabetes.
My mental health.
Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a soda can?
He was lucky it was a soft drink!
What happens when you eat salmon with Nutella?
You get salmonella.
My diet:
Make all of my friends cupcakes. The fatter they get, the thinner I look...
