Health jokes

What's the hardest part of a vegetable? The wheelchair! ♿

The doctor said I had two years to live, so I shot him. The warden gave me 50. Problem solved!

You're so skinny the world turns to the left!

Can't have a smoke with my girl after sex, she's asthmatic.

Plus, she's too young to smoke.

Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn’t last as long for fat people.

What do you do if a woman is choking? Pull out a few inches.

I was driving a car and a fat person was crossing the street. When I swerved my car to miss her, I ran out of gas.

My fat friend went to the doctor because he wanted to know his blood type. After performing some tests, the doctor said, "Well, the test results have shown that your blood type is ragu."

What do you call it if you find an old organ keyboard on the side of the road?

Organ harvesting.

What’s the difference between oral sex and anal sex?

Oral sex will make your whole day. Anal sex will make your hole weak.

Exercise?

I thought you said "extra fries!"

-A minion (you may now laugh).

Right, I have a dog and his name is Syndrome, and whenever he is good, I go "Good Syndrome," but whenever he is naughty, I go "Down Syndrome."

Me: What are we doing in HPE?

Friend: Fitness.

Me: Fitting deez nuts in your mouth.

I was reading a book one day when I suddenly heard a sound. It was the Grim Reaper. I ignored it and continued reading my book. Suddenly, I realized that I was one of the main characters, which, at the end, dies.

I used to like fireworks, but I'm dead now. Fireworks look like a charm if you don't mind something a little ghostly.

What lies beneath your nose and is being picked on? Your boogers.

What did the doctor say to the Chinese man?

"Some ting wong."

Little Johnny and his mom were sitting in church one day when suddenly Johnny said, "Mom, I think I'm gonna throw up!"

Then his mom said, "Go across the field and into the bushes, hopefully no one will see you there."

Johnny comes back a minute later, and his mom asks, "Did you make it?" Then Johnny said, "No, but there was a box by the door that SAID 'For The Sick!'"

When you turn off all the annoying beeping things in the hospital, and everyone starts sleeping better.

You know who else has dementia?

Comments for answer.

Breaking news: Man with Alzheimer's forgets he's blind and recovers from visual impairment.

While undressing a woman, she told me she has AIDS. I told her she can't catch it twice, but she still kept screaming.