Health jokes

I can't stand disability jokes.

Two friends are in a hospital lobby. Friend 2 notices Friend 1 crying.

Friend 1: "*crying hysterically*"

Friend 2: "Why are you crying?"

Friend 1: "I came here for a blood test."

Friend 2: "So? Are you afraid?"

Friend 1: "No. For the blood test, they cut my finger."

Friend 2: "*crying hysterically*"

Friend 1: "Why are you crying?"

Friend 2: "I came here for a urine test."

Why did the chicken cross the road? Because it had diarrhea.

So there’s this air purifier in my room, right? It’s really noisy, so I unplugged it to sleep better, and sure enough, I fell asleep faster. So I came to the conclusion: if I unplug noisy machines, people will sleep better.

It worked really well in my local hospital.

My favorite kind of face mask is the plastic bag.

What part of a vegetable can't you eat? The wheelchair.

Police arrested two kids yesterday. One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one, and let the other one off.

Ms. Katie: I heard about a Vegan baby.

Mom: Here’s your Happy Meal.

Ms. Katie: That’s not vegan, did you trick me?

Kids: Yeah!

Ms. Katie: That’s it, little baby Jimmy, I’m giving you shaking baby syndrome!

Mom: Please don’t hurt my son.

*Ms. Katie shakes Jimmy*

Mom: I’m secretly a cop, and you are arrested.

Yo momma so stupid, when someone got cardiac arrest, she tried to put the person to court, and when the judge said "ORDER AT THE COURT," she thought it's a food court and ordered 20 Big Macs and got a heart attack.

Do you wanna lose ten pounds of ugly fat? Cut off your head.

What did the blind, deaf, mentally handicapped orphan get for Christmas?

Cancer.

I broke my arm in two places. You know what the doctor told me? Stay out of those places!

What does a depressed person say when they're happy?

"..."

Where can you donate an aborted fetus?

Your local pizzeria.

POV: me telling a joke.

My dad: nobody likes a smart-ass.

Me: Nobody likes a smart-ass until the smart-ass finds a cure for cancer.

Yo mama so dumb, she went to the eye doctor to get an iPhone.

Yo mama's so stupid, she went to the dentist to get a Bluetooth.

Yo mama's so fat, her blood type is Ragu.

Why did he kill himself?

Because he is adopted to a fat man who farts.

Your mama is so fat, when she farted, the world had to wear gas masks.