Health jokes

My wife told me she was fat and depressed. She asked me to compliment her, so I said, "You have perfect eyesight!"

Your mama is so stupid, Patrick Starr ran away because he thought she might be contagious.

Your mama is so fat. She gets winded just thinking about running.

You are so fat that the last time you stepped on the weighing scale, the doctor said, "I want your weight and not [your] phone number."

Every time someone calls me fat I get so depressed I cut myself...

A piece of cake.

You know you’re getting fat when you sit in the bath, and the water in the bath rises.

Diet Day #1 - I removed all the fattening food from my house. It was delicious.

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

What can you catch, but not throw?

Me and my wife decided we would only smoke after sex.

I'm still on the first pack. She's up to 2 packs a week.

My wife is so ugly when she was born, the doctor said, "I did everything I could, but she pulled through anyways." When she was born, the doctor hung himself with the umbilical cord. He pushed her back in, said, "Not done." The doctor slapped her mother. The doctor looked at her and said, "Twins!" He didn't know what end to slap. He threw her away and kept the afterbirth.

My wife is so fat.

She asked me to get on top; I had to get a step ladder. When I got up there, my ears popped, and the air was so thin. I had to have two Sherpas drag me off the mountain.

Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app, and it just sent an ambulance to my house.

Smoking will kill you.

Bacon will kill you.

But, smoking bacon will cure it!

Math Teacher: "If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other hand, what do I have?"

Student: "A drinking problem."

You're so fat, you drank an invisibility potion, and everyone could still see you!

What do you call a Japanese person when their knees are cured?

"Happynese" (happy knees).

What do you call a notorious special needs student with an extra chromosome?

The double trouble.

I would go suck some titties, but I’d rather die from being shot than cancer.

Died and came back sped. I call that rien-tardation.