Health jokes

You know you’re getting fat when you sit in the bath, and the water in the bath rises.

Diet Day #1 - I removed all the fattening food from my house. It was delicious.

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

What can you catch, but not throw?

Me and my wife decided we would only smoke after sex.

I'm still on the first pack. She's up to 2 packs a week.

My wife is so ugly when she was born, the doctor said, "I did everything I could, but she pulled through anyways." When she was born, the doctor hung himself with the umbilical cord. He pushed her back in, said, "Not done." The doctor slapped her mother. The doctor looked at her and said, "Twins!" He didn't know what end to slap. He threw her away and kept the afterbirth.

My wife is so fat.

She asked me to get on top; I had to get a step ladder. When I got up there, my ears popped, and the air was so thin. I had to have two Sherpas drag me off the mountain.

Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app, and it just sent an ambulance to my house.

Smoking will kill you.

Bacon will kill you.

But, smoking bacon will cure it!

Math Teacher: "If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other hand, what do I have?"

Student: "A drinking problem."

You're so fat, you drank an invisibility potion, and everyone could still see you!

What do you call a Japanese person when their knees are cured?

"Happynese" (happy knees).

What do you call a notorious special needs student with an extra chromosome?

The double trouble.

I would go suck some titties, but I’d rather die from being shot than cancer.

Died and came back sped. I call that rien-tardation.

Imagine this scenario: A doctor walks in and tells the patient that he has all the illnesses, diseases, etc. in the world but cooler like this: "Bumbumbum you have depression, diarrhea, and cancer,... etc."

And then the last one on the list is that he is deaf, and then the doctor shows the patient the list.

Imagine this scenario: a doctor walks in and tells the patient that he has all the illnesses in the world like this: "You have depression, diarrhea, cancer,... etc." and then the last one on the list is that he is deaf.

What is the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant woman?

You can't unscrew a pregnant woman.

As a son, I am so worried about the phone call message that my mom got from a member of The CDC. It was on speaker, so me and mom both hear. The message told my mom that she needs to personally isolate because two of the new symptoms is having big titties and a great personality.

What do you call a Panera Bread doctor?

A Panera med.