Catch Jokes

Artemas

Three men are outside Heaven’s gates waiting to be go to through Heaven. The angel at the gate tells them “Depending on the length of time and your faithfulness to your last partner decides your way across the bridge to Heaven”.

The first guy says “I was with my wife for 5 years and cheated 3 times”. The angel gives him an old model pick up, the second guy says “11 years and only once” and is granted a Mercedes.

The last man says “20 years and not once , I loved her with all my heart” and with the angel impressed he gets a gold edition Lamborghini and sets off ahead of the other two men. Hours later the two men catch up to him crying behind the wheel and one says " I know we are dead but it could be much worse".

The guy looks up and says “How! I just went past my wife on a skateboard”

James Johnson

What did the north tower say to the south tower

Let’s talk later I gotta catch a plane

Xzavier
in Little Johnny

Little Johnny catches his parents going at it and says “hey dad! Whatcha doin?” His father says “I’m filling your moms tank” Johnny says, “oh yeah well, you better get a model that gets better mileage because th milk man filled her up this morning.”

Lynn🤍💖

A blonde girl walks into a gym and sees a guy. The guy takes off his shirt she says “Oh what chest!” " That’s 100 lbs of dynamite, baby." Then he takes off his pants she says “Oh what legs!’’ He says “That 100 lbs of dynamite, baby.” After that, he took off his underwear. The blonde girl starts running he catches her and says “Why were you running?” She said I didn’t wanna be in there once I’ve seen how small the fuse was.”

Daniel King
in Mountain

Why don’t mountains catch colds? They wear snow caps.

Ihaveissues
in Orphan

Why did the orphan fall out of the tree? They thought their parents would catch them

random_person

The KGB, the FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove they are the best at catching criminals. The Secretary-General of the UN decides to set them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest, and each of them has to catch it. The CIA people go in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations, they conclude that the rabbit does not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads, they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and make no apologies: the rabbit had it coming.

The KGB goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling:

“Okay! Okay! I’m a rabbit! I’m a rabbit!” (Found on the web if you don’t like it don’t leave a hate comment)

Anonymous
in September 11

what did one twin tower say to the other? Be back I gotta catch a plane

ThunderGod2245

A man shoots up a School and then fakes his own death, he then later returns to shoot up the same school, he repeats the prosses a few times untill the police catch him, when they ask why he did it, he replied “I wondered when you would check if i was still breathing”

4
Anonymous
in Puns

Why was the man running around his bed?

Because he needed to catch up on his sleep!!

Done

When I was 14 my mum caught me wanking and she slapped me across the face a couple weeks later my dad caught me having a beer and he made me drink 40 beers and I just thought we’ll I’m glad he didn’t catch me wanking

Ayyyyyy

Little Johhny is walking around and peaks in his parents room, catching them having sex so he asks, “What are you guys doing?” and they reply “Nothing, nothing! we’re just uh, making cake” and they send him away. So he continues walking around and he hears some strange noises coming from his brothers room so he walks in and catches his brother and his brothers girlfriend having sex and then asks him “What are you guys doing?” and his brother yells “Get out! were making cake!” So Johnny leaves and goes to his room. The next day the whole family is at the dinner table and Little Johnny turns to his sister and says “So, you and your boyfriend were making cake last night huh!” and she replies “OMG! Howd you know!?!?” and Johnny replies “Because, I licked the icing off the couch” ayyyyyy.

Anonymous

What did the North tower say to the south tower. “sorry can’t talk, got to catch a plane”

0
USSR Soldier
in Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris: “I block bullets with me beard”. Abraham Lincoln: “I catch bullets with my skull”

Anonymous

while undressing a woman, she told me she has aids, i told her she cant catch it twice but she still kept screaming

What happened to the guy who tried to catch fog?

He mist.

#showerthoughts

Gen z is most likely going to be the last generation who felt the pain of getting up early to catch their favorite show.

Anonymous
in Orphan

Why did the orphan fall out of a tree

They thought their parents would catch them

Fire

Q. Two gay guys are having sex, when suddenly the house catches fire. Who gets out of the house first, the guy on top or bottom?

A. They guy on the bottom because he already has his shit packed.

1
Anonymous
in Orphan

Why can’t orphans play catch? They never had a dad to teach them