Health jokes
What are all grandmas infected with? Defiantly not a parasite!
Knock knock. Who's there? Ach. Ach who? Bless you!
Why did the Oreo go to the dentist?
Because he lost his filling.
How do you make a tissue dance?
Put a little boogie in it.
A woman in labor suddenly shouted, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! Didn't! Can't!"
"Don't worry," said the doc. "Those are just contractions."
What’s Stephen Hawkins favourite shampoo and conditioner?
Head and shoulders.
I saw a disabled person in the super market. They were at the vegetable aisle.
A friend of mine chews gum, lays back to yawn, then chokes on the gum. Then I said, "God, what, you choking on dick?"
Roses are red, Violets are blue, Everything is black, I can't see, can you?
Your mama so ugly, when the baby came out of her, the baby didn't cry. The baby said, "What the hell is this shit?" and walked out of the hospital.
A truck carrying Vicks VapoRub overturned on the highway. Amazingly, there was no congestion for eight hours straight.
What do you call an ear that's dead? Deaf. Hahaha! Oh wait...
What do an acting role and playing sports have in common?
If you break a leg, you get cast.
What's the funniest thing about being ringside at a UFC fight?
When you look around and all of the spectators are wearing white gowns and fuzzy socks, and you realize you aren't at a UFC event, you're watching your fellow patients fight to the death at a psychiatric facility.
My neighbor is in the Guinness World Records.
He has had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me.
A stone’s throw away, in fact.
Q: You have problems, I think your disease is BOOFA.
Q: What boofa?
A: Boofa deez nuts in yo mouth!
How do you start a dance party?
Go into the PTSD ward of an insane asylum and set off fireworks and watch the magic unfold.
What's red and sits in the corner?
A baby chewing on a razor blade.
What's green and sits in the corner?
Same baby, one week later.
How can you tell if a gay guy has a high sperm count?
Chew when you swallow!
Q: Why do Skeletons hate the cold?
A: It sends chills up their spine.