Health jokes
Yo mama's so stinky that whenever she walks into a building, the flies drop dead!
Three doctors go into a room to get rid of a dead guy's body. They notice when they walk over that he has a boner. The first doctor decides, "Why not fuck him? He still has a boner left in him." The second says, "Well, he's dead, and I am a virgin." The third one says, "I can't, I'm on my period," and then says, "Okay, why not? He's already dead. It's not like he doesn't smell bad." After all that, they go to walk out, and the guy pops up and says, "Thanks for saving my life, pumping blood back into my body..."
Chuck Norris doesn't get sun burns. The sun knows better.
What did my grandpa say after he kicked the bucket?
Nothing, I unplugged his life support before he said a word.
I'm sorry for your loss.
It is going tibia okay.
What are all grandmas infected with? Defiantly not a parasite!
Knock knock. Who's there? Ach. Ach who? Bless you!
Why did the Oreo go to the dentist?
Because he lost his filling.
How do you make a tissue dance?
Put a little boogie in it.
A woman in labor suddenly shouted, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! Didn't! Can't!"
"Don't worry," said the doc. "Those are just contractions."
What’s Stephen Hawkins favourite shampoo and conditioner?
Head and shoulders.
I saw a disabled person in the super market. They were at the vegetable aisle.
A friend of mine chews gum, lays back to yawn, then chokes on the gum. Then I said, "God, what, you choking on dick?"
Roses are red, Violets are blue, Everything is black, I can't see, can you?
Your mama so ugly, when the baby came out of her, the baby didn't cry. The baby said, "What the hell is this shit?" and walked out of the hospital.
A truck carrying Vicks VapoRub overturned on the highway. Amazingly, there was no congestion for eight hours straight.
What do you call an ear that's dead? Deaf. Hahaha! Oh wait...
What do an acting role and playing sports have in common?
If you break a leg, you get cast.
What's the funniest thing about being ringside at a UFC fight?
When you look around and all of the spectators are wearing white gowns and fuzzy socks, and you realize you aren't at a UFC event, you're watching your fellow patients fight to the death at a psychiatric facility.
My neighbor is in the Guinness World Records.
He has had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me.
A stone’s throw away, in fact.