Health jokes
I was riding my bike down the road!
When a car started coming, I started running.
It put me in a crash with my elbow through my ass! ;)
Why did the man become stupid?
Cause he was suicidal, herbivorous. Ja...
What's the difference between a baby and an onion?
One cries when you peel its skin off, the other makes you cry when you peel its skin off.
Dolls have wigs made of mohair, cancer patients have wigs of no hair.
Roses are red, give me some limes, boy dies after masturbating 42 times.
Why couldn't the girl brush her hair?
..... She had cancer.... ;)
Hey girl, are you osteoporosis, because you're giving me a "bone" condition.
What's the difference between my dad and cancer? Cancer doesn't leave you.
What does a doctor do to make you better?
Helium.
When a man loses his testosterone,
Man: Could I please have a loaner boner?
A man found out that he was going to die.
A German doctor comes in and says "you have 10 more". The man yells out "10 WHAT!! DAYS!!!! WEEKS!!!". And the doctor says "No seconds". And the man says "9 SECONDS!!!" And the doctor says "Nein. Ten seconds". He asked "How many seconds do I have to live 10, 9 , or...?"
Then he died and learned how to say no in German....
Why did Timmy fall down the stairs?
Because he fell off his wheelchair.
I'm better than you in every single way... I even have an extra chromosome.
After a lord comes back from vacation, he meets the gardener at the gates of his park.
Lord: "Has something happened while I was gone?"
Gardener: "Ah, nothing much, I just broke a shovel while I was burying your dog."
Lord: "My dog died?!"
Gardener: "Yes, it choked on the smoke when your mansion burnt down."
Lord: "My mansion?! How?!"
Gardener: "Well, your wife was distraught and dropped a candle on the curtains."
Lord: "Why was she so distraught?"
Gardener: "She received the news of your daughter being kidnapped."
Lord: "My daughter! Don't you have any positive news for me?!"
Gardener: "Oh right! Your cancer test results!"
Someone asked me if I was a good sleeper. I told them I'm so good that I can do it with my eyes closed.
A father of a young girl comes to meet the doctor.
Father: Doctor, how is my daughter's report?
Doctor: Congrats, your daughter is pregnant.
Father: WTF ?????? My daughter is 10 years old and unmarried!
A father of a young girl comes and meets the doctor.
Father: Doctor, how is my daughter's report?
Doctor: Congrats, your daughter is pregnant.
Father: WTF ?????? My daughter is 10 years old and unmarried.
I was about to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
Solve this equation: a gay boy + a whole lot of drugs = A hyped up f'ing machine.
Why did the vampire go to the doctor?
Because of his coffin.