Health jokes
I walked into the doctor's surgery and he said to me, "Pick a star sign, any star sign." I said, "Capricorn." He said, "Nah, you got cancer."
- All over it like a fat kid on a cupcake.
- Giggling like a room full of fat kids.
- Drinking 8 cups of water a day seems impossible, but 8 beers and 3 shots in 3 hours goes down like a fat kid on a seesaw.
A man walks into a bar.
He had to have 13 stitches!
Yo mama's so fat, I run around her for exercise.
What's the most difficult thing about being a pediatric surgeon?
Keeping the scalpel steady while masturbating.
So I suggested to my wife that she'd look sexier with her hair back...
Which is apparently an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.
I am thinking of removing my spine.
It's only holding me back.
A common question I get as a doctor is, do vaccines cause autism? Well!, I was vaccinated, so.....
What do you call a group of depressed people?
Suicide squad.
What did Lucy say when she saw her sonogram?
"Looks like a rerun."
What's the most expensive haircut?
Chemotherapy.
What's the difference between an abortion clinic and a computer? Ctrl+Alt+Delete.
Hey, how ya doin'?
Well I'm doin' just fine, I lied, I'm DEAD inside.
Don't tell me "it's gonna be alright," I've tried, but I can't fight like this.
Hey how ya doin', I'm tired but I'm trying to fight.
A guy with AIDS went into the doctor's room unusually happy. You could even say he was HIV positive.
A man wakes up in the hospital and says, "Doctor! Doctor! I can't feel my legs!"
"Of course," the doctor says. "I amputated your arms."
Hey, I’m not an alcoholic! I only drink 2 times a year. When it’s my Birthday, and when it’s not...
Every zodiac sign has a different hairstyle except Cancer.
My friend said, "Why do you have depression? There is so much happiness in the world." And I said, "Why do you have asthma? There is so much air in the world."
Have you heard about kids with AIDS?
It never gets old.
I looked up "I have whiplash" on WebMD, and it diagnosed me with slavery.