Hand Jokes

If you drink hand sanitizer does it only kill 99.9% of you?...........💀

Two lepers playing cards... one threw his hand in; the other laughed his head off

This joke includes potentially sensitive content.

What has teeth but doesn't use them to chew the answer would be a comb or a piano but technically if you ripped someone's teeth out and hand them to them they have teeth but can't chew with them

I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of a chapstick. She still isn't talking to me.

Why can't Jesus eat M&Ms? - Because they keep falling through the holes in his hands.

This joke includes potentially sensitive content.

Once I went to a museum and over heard someone speaking to an employee for information.

"These are lying clocks, they tell how many lies a person tells."

"oh cool"

"this is mother Teresa's clock, the clock hasn't moved because she never lied."

"Makes sense"

"This is Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands only moved twice indicating he only lied twice."

"Where's Trump's clock"

"Oh, we're using it as a ceiling fan."

And then I burst out laughing 'cause it's so true.

What does an Irish bowler put in his hands to guarantee a wicket next ball?

a bat

What did one skeleton say to the other? skeleton1:"I need a hand!" skeleton2:(Throws up hand) skeleton1: "That wasn't very humerus." skeleton2: "Why do you have to be so heartless." skeleton1: "At least I had the guts to tell you"

there was a animal on my porch then i shot in the head it was strange that it had coffee in its hand, i flipped it over and it was an animal but it looked a lot like my kid.

Here’s my hand, please hold it. That way I can say I was touched by an angel.

Q: What's red during puberty?

A: The blood on my hands

A hand of Pepsi murdered a coca cola a innocent sprite yelled QUICK! CALL DR PEPPER! Eventually a 7 up called Dr pepper the coca cola was fine

Two pirates, Morty and Sol, meet in a bar. Sol has a patch over one eye, a hook for a hand, and a wooden peg leg. “Ye gads, matey,” says Morty. “What happened to ya?” Sol says, “Me pirate ship was attacked, and a lucky shot lopped off me leg. So now I got me a wooden peg.”

“And yer hand?” asks Marty.

“When me ship sank, a shark bit me hand off. So now I got me a hook.”

“OK, but what’s with the eye patch?”

“I was standin’ on a dock, and the biggest seagull I ever saw poops right in me eye.”

“But ya don’t go blind from no seagull poop.”

“True,” says Sol. “But it was me first day with the hook.”

3 Europeans head to an island. They are captured by the island people. They are going to kill them and they plead. They grant them a chance to live. The island people tell them to grab a fruit from the tribe's garden and bring it back, then to follow the task at hand. The first guy brings back a peach. The island leader says, "Stick it up your ass. If you laugh, you die." The first guy shoves it up his ass and laughs, so they kill him. The second guy brings a grape, he does the same and laughs, making them kill him. The first two are in heaven together. "Peaches are fuzzy so I laughed. How the hell did you die? You had a grape!" says the first guy. The second guy replied,"It didn't tickle at all. I laughted at the sight the third guy was bringing over a pinapple."