Hand jokes

Your mama is so ugly, she summoned Bloody Mary.

She handed her an application through the mirror.

Are you happy to see me, or is that a bomb strapped to your chest and a detonator in your hand?

There once was a man that wanted to join a group of right-handed men, but he wrote with the other hand. He got left behind.

I got in trouble at school today because I played the knife game with a pair of scissors, but I couldn't flip them off because I was missing that finger.

What has hands but can’t clap?

A thalidomide baby.

Why is it bad to high five an emo?

They will leave themselves hanging.

You get on an elevator and you find the Pope and Donald Trump cowering from two snarling wolves. In your hand you find a revolver with only two bullets in it... what do you do?

You shoot the Pope and the Donald each in a leg and exit the elevator at the next stop.

How do you punish a blind person?

Hand them a gun and tell them it’s a hairdryer.

Why do blonde prostitutes prefer blowjobs?

They hate it when you hand it to them.

If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery... I’ll kill him with my bear hands.

What can’t a person with no arms do: if you're happy and you know it, clap your hands.

I asked my kid to give me a hand. That motherfucker cried while charging his mechanical arm.

My teacher asked what was the worst time you got paddled by your parents. My one friend said that he got in trouble and got whacked by a stick. I raised my hand and said that my dad whacked me with his dick.

Me: *looks at person's hand* This guy doesn't have fingers!

Random person with no fingers: Why do you have to point that out?

Do you know what my favorite time of day is?

6:30, hands down.

What did Jesus say when they removed the nails from his hands?

"Feet! Feet!"

What happened when the Japanese guy offered Logan Paul a high five?

He left him hanging.

When you think you're depressed, but you know you're probably just using depression to be lazy and self-loathing, but then you realize that it, in itself, might actually be a symptom of depression.

Well gang, it looks like we've got another mystery on our hands!

I'd make a masturbation joke.

But they always get out of hand.

Ya gotta hand it to short people...