Hand Jokes

I asked my kid to give me a hand that motherfucker cried while charging his mechanical arm

This joke includes potentially sensitive content.

Their once was a man that wanted to join a group of right-handed men, but he worte with the other hand. He got left behind

I got in trouble at school today bc I played the knife game with a pair of scissors but I couldn't flip them off bc I was missing that finger.

This joke includes potentially sensitive content.

What has hands but can’t clap?

A thalidomide baby.

This joke includes potentially sensitive content.

When you think you're depressed but you know you're probably just using depression to be lazy and self loating but then you realise that it in itself might actually be a symptom of depression

Well gang it looks like we've got another mystery on our hands

How did the digital clock show off to its mother? Look, Ma, no hands!

People always ask what the secret of our families happiness is. It is simple really. 1 Television and computer games are limited to a couple of hours each week. 2. We all give each other a hand when needed. Last but not least we play twister.

I'd make a masturbation joke. But they always get out of hand.

What did Jesus say when they removed the nails from his hands? FEET! FEET!

Donald Trump and the Pope were standing on a platform in front of a crowd of people. The Pope said to Donald Trump, “I can make everyone in this audience happy with one small swipe of my hand.” Donald Trump replies, “That’s not possible. You’ll have to show me.” Then the Pope slaps him.

So one day I was walking home from school with my best friend sally. She was worried to get home because she was going to tell her mom that bob the class rep got her pregnant a eight months ago and now it was obvious she was pregnant. So I said “sally it’ll be ok I’m sure she’ll be happy to get a grandson” “yeah thanks suzy” she said to me then went into her house. The next few weeks she didn’t show up to school so I was like oh she must be in trouble with her mom I’ll go check on her So I walk up to her house and her mom answers with a baby boy in her hands “oh hello. Is that Sally’s son!! Can I see sally?” Her mom says sure and I go inside but she leads me to the backyard and I see a tombstone “here lies sally 2004-2020” so I ask her mom in tears “oh did she not make it through the birth?” And her mom replied “you could say that..”

Did you hear about the dyslexic wanna-be bank robber? He walked in and yelled "HANDS UP, THIS IS A MOTHER STICKING F##K UP! The lucky idiot got away because nobody could stop laughing!