Grandma jokes

What does a phone and a grandma have in common? They both die.

What's the difference between them? If you shove something up your grandma's ass, she won't come back to life.

My teacher asked everyone how tall their grandparents were. I responded, "My grandpa is 5ft 10, and my grandma is -6ft."

Most embarrassing moment during sex, GO!

James Arnold: My grandma walked in while I was knife raping my wife.

I saw a petition on replacing gravestones with trees so it will be a beautiful forest.

Son: Where's grandma?

Me: Hey, do you want to see my grandma?

Friend: Yeah, sure.

Me: *pulls out gun*

I recently found out that my grandma died. We did an autopsy, and the results came back. They were pretty shocking.

We found out that she died............... from an autopsy.

When you push your grandma out of her wheelchair and steal it.

“They see me rollin’, they hatin’.”

This is NOT my joke. I found it on Google. It's a texting joke.

Mom: Son, your grandma just passed away LOL.

Son: Mom, what do you mean LOL? That means laughing out loud.

Mom: Oh no, I thought that meant lots of love. I have to text everyone back!!!!

Kid sees their grandma taking pills and asks...

"Grandma, why do you need to take all those pills?"

"Well, Grandma needs to take the green medicine for her headaches, but the green pills give her diarrhea. So grandma needs to take the yellow pills for diarrhea, but those pills always make grandma very depressed. Because of her depression, grandma needs to take the black pills, but those always give her high blood pressure. To cure the high blood pressure, grandma has to take the red pills, but those make her always very horny. That's why grandpa has to take the blue pills."

"Grandma, tell me a story!" I said as we huddled near the campfire.

"Alright," she said, "Once, there was a tree named Timmy, he was my best tree friend. I used to read books under him and climb all his branches."

"Where is Timmy now?" I asked.

Grandma pointed to the campfire.

I farted in my grandma's breathing machine.

Don't you just hate it when your grandmas always complaining about things getting stuck between her false teeth, like my foreskin?

My grandma always said, "Slow and steady wins the race."

She died in a fire.

My grandma used to beat the hell out of me for coming home late. Guess who's late now?

Little Johnny was staying at his grandparents' house, and he asked his grandpa, "Can I have a cigarette?" His grandpa said, "Well, can your dick touch your asshole?" He said, "No." "Then that's your answer." A little bit later, Little Johnny asked for a beer. His grandpa said, "Well, can your dick touch your asshole?" He said, "I already said no." "Well, that's your answer." Later, he was complaining to his grandma, and she gave him cookies. His grandpa came up to him and said, "Can I have a cookie?" Little Johnny said, "Well, can your dick touch your asshole?" His grandpa said, "Well, yes, it can." And Little Johnny said, "Well, go fuck yourself, old man, because these are my cookies."

My grandma was telling me to be positive, as I was going in for an AIDS test.

I wanted to do something nice for my uncle, so I cleaned out the nice vase that was given at grandma's funeral. It had so much sand, I'm glad to help.

The Twin Towers collapsed faster than my grandma did.

Grandma: Most people your age have a family and are married. Why aren’t you?

Grandchild: Most your age are dead. Why aren’t you?

What do sex and food have in common?

Grandma makes both better.