Elderly jokes

An old lady in the bank told me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Grandma: Young people your age are married by now, why aren’t you?

Me: Old people your age are dead right now, why aren’t you?

I still remember my grandpa's last words: "Turn the lawn mower off!"

Where can you find some of the world's largest vegetables? -- In an American nursing home.

An elderly woman and an elderly man were at a retirement home.

The man was shuffling a deck of cards for a card game.

The man asks, "Is it your first time?"

The woman replies, "It's been a while since a man has asked me that."

Whenever my grandparents apologize, I say "forgive and forget". They are really obedient.

I can’t watch anime anymore when my friend’s grandpa is in the house.

He hasn’t heard a Japanese person scream since the war.

Two old people sitting on a bench. One turns to the other and says, "My butt fell asleep." The other says, "Yep, I heard it snore a couple of times."

When you push your grandma out of her wheelchair and steal it.

“They see me rollin’, they hatin’.”

Old man goes to the doctor.

The doctor says, "The test results are back, and I'm sad to say you have cancer and Alzheimer's."

The old man says, "Phew! At least it's not cancer!"

Cheer up! Old age doesn't last that long!

My grandfather said I was too reliant on technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

People always told me to open doors for elders. So I opened the plane door 5,000 feet up in the air for a grandma.

Why do old people swallow popcorn kernels?

To make their cremation more entertaining when they die.

Last Halloween, I went dressed as a woman. When I rang the doorbell, an elderly woman opened it, and I made a grunting noise and knocked the bowl of candy out of her hands.

She immediately called the police and told them exactly what happened. The officer pulled me aside and asked me a few questions. First, he asked if my parents were here, and I said nothing. Concerned by my answer, he then asked if I was okay, so I said nothing. He asked me what my name was, and I responded, "Hellen Keller."

My grandpa unplugged the AC, so I unplugged his life support.

I farted in my grandma's breathing machine.

While fucking, my sister said, "Brother, you are so naughty! You fucked our elder aunt every day in the absence of my uncle and cousins and made her pregnant!" Little did she know, I fucked our mother every day in the absence of her, my father, and my elder brother and made my mom pregnant as well!

At the funeral of a family friend, I was chatting to June, an elderly lady I hadn’t seen since I was a teenager. I was thrilled when she told me what a beautiful young woman I’d become.

On the journey home, I remarked to my mother how lovely it had been to see June again.

“Yes, it’s such a shame that she’s gone blind,” she said sadly.

I want to die like my grandpa, with a blindfold and a wet sponge on his head.