Elderly jokes
What does a dick and an elderly person have in common? They are both short.
Someone prank calls a general. The general hangs up and goes, "Kids these days have no respect for their elders. That's why I send them all to die."
Why are cops worried about drunk drivers and not elderly drivers?
What does an 80-year-old woman taste like?
Depends.
What do old people have when they are sick.
A going away party.
What's the worst part about burning your vegetables before dinner?
Explaining what happened to the nursing home while you're hungry.
Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.
A young cowboy entered a seedy cafe in a small West Texas town.
He sat at the counter and spotted an elderly cowboy with his arms folded and his gaze fixed on a bowl of chili. After roughly 15 minutes of staring at it, the young cowboy boldly inquired, “If you’re not going to eat it, do you mind if I do?” Slowly turning his head toward the young wrangler, the older cowboy muttered, in his best cowboy voice, “Nah. Go ahead.”
The young cowboy eagerly reached over and slid the bowl over to his spot, spooning it in with glee. He was almost to the bottom when he noticed a rotten dead rat in the chili.
The sight was shocking, and he immediately upchucked the chili into the bowl. The old cowboy quietly said, “Yep, that’s as far as I got, too...”
I remember my grandad's last words: "Are you still holding the ladder?"
What's the difference between the Twin Towers and the people at the old folks home?
They both collapsed.
What is my favorite thing about my grandpa?
His life insurance.
What did the orphan poker player say to the elder?
“Will you raise me?”
When my grandpa was 65, he decided to run a mile a day to keep fit.
He's 70 now, and we have no idea where he is.
Why did the old man win in a fight? Because he was stressed.
At the funeral of a family friend, I was chatting to June, an elderly lady I hadn’t seen since I was a teenager. I was thrilled when she told me what a beautiful young woman I’d become. On the journey home, I remarked to my mother how lovely it had been to see June again. “Yes, it’s such a shame that she’s gone blind,” she said sadly.
Did you hear that nursing homes keep returning the new Paul Walkers?
They let the elderly move fast, but then burst into flames and burn the patients alive.
An elderly man was happy to finally see his wife again and was packing. He told everyone about the trip.
"I will see her in one week!"
A week later, he died.
My grandfather said I was too reliant on technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.
An old lady was low on money because she had spent all of her money on clothes.
So she decided to go to the bank. She walked up to the guy at the desk. She asked if he could check her balance. He asked a few questions to the old lady, like her weight and her height. He asked her if she had done any exercise recently. She was very confused. She got angry and asked the man again to check her balance. So he stood up, walked next to her and pushed her over. He came to the conclusion that she had a low balance.
Whenever my grandparents apologize, I say "forgive and forget". They are really obedient.