God Jokes

random person

A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her class in Grade 3.... The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal.The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

*Principal:* What is 3+3?

*Boy:* 6.

*Principal:* 6+6.

*Boy:* 12.

The boy got all the questions right. The principal told the Madam to send the boy to Grade 4 immediately. The Madam decided to ask her own questions and the principal agreed.

*Madam:* What does a cow have 4 of that I have only 2?

*Boy:* Legs.

*Madam:* What is in your trousers that I don't have?

*Boy:* Pockets.

*Madam:* What starts with a C and ends with T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?

*Boy:* Coconut.

*Madam:* What goes in hard & then comes out soft & sticky?

The principal's eyes opened really wide, but before he could stop the answer, the boy was taking charge

*Boy:* Bubble gum.

*Madam:* You stick your pole inside me. You tie me down to get me up, I get wet before you do.

*Boy:* Tent.

*The principal was looking restless*

*Madam:* A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you are bored. The best man always has me first?.

*Boy:* Wedding ring.

*Madam:* I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I Drip. When you blow me, you feel good?

*Boy:* Nose.

*Madam:* I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates, I come with a quiver.

*Boy:* Arrow.

*Principal:* O MY GOD.

*Madam:* What starts with 'F' and ends wit a 'K' and if you don't get it, you've to use your hand?

*Boy:* Fork.

*Madam:* What is it that all men have, it's longer in some men than others, the Pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after marriage?

*Boy:* Surname.

*Principal:* Ohooo !

*Madam:* What part of the man has no bone but has muscles with a lot of veins like pumpkin and is responsible for making love?

*Boy:* Heart.

*Principal:* Eeeeeh! The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the Madam, "Send this bloody boy to the university. I myself got all the answers wrong!"

Anonymoussss

These jokes cheered me up from suicide. This is amazing material. God bless all of you.

holyshat

What do teen mothers and their unborn babies have in common?

They're both thinking "Oh my God, my mom's gonna kill me!"

littletank

god creating cats GOD:make the most fluffy cute thing you can think of ANGEL:ok.......................................anything else GOD:YES PUT RAZOR BLADES ON ITS FEET!!!!!!!!

4
Orphanage worker:)
in Orphan

I saw an orphan crying the other day, so I ask, "where are your parents?" God, I love working at an orphanage:)

Anonymous
in Puns

Hey God what are you making?

Just a wooden stick that lights on fire

sounds like a match made in heaven

2
Macaroni
in Nun

A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun. Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun.

"Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as God, I'm sure you could convince her to have sex with you."

The man decides to try it, and dresses up in his best God costume. At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her.

"Oh, God!" she exclaims. "Take me with you!" The man tells the nun that she must first have sex with him to prove her loyalty. The nun says yes, but tells him she prefers anal sex. Before you know it, they're getting down to it, having nasty, grunty, loud sex. After it's over, the man pulls off his God disguise.

"Ha, ha! I'm the man from the bus!"

"Ha, ha!" says the nun, removing her costume. "I'm the bus driver!"

Anonymous

There were 15 ugly guys on a bus. The bus crashed and they all went to heaven. God took pity on them and told the ugly dudes they could have one wish. The first guy said,"I want to be handsome. " God granted his wish. The second guy said,"I want to be more handsome than the first guy.", God granted his wish. "The third guy said " I want to be more handsome than the second guy." God granted his wish and this continued on and on until the 15 ugly guy.The ugly guy was laughing. Really hard. "What is your wish?" God asked him. "I WANT ALL THESE GUYS UGLY AGAIN!!!!!" God granted his wish

Anonymous
in Religion

I was raised a Catholic and my priest told me when I was 12, "God is watching you when you masturbate".

I said, "Is God a pedophile too, Father?"

2
The Fires Of Hell

*Hears the news about Sandy Hook* Person 1:God,I can only imagine what was going through those kids heads in the last moments of their lives... Person 2:Probably Bullets Person 1:OMG!!Can you even think of what their parents are going through?! Person 2:Probably Coffin Brochures Person 1:.... Person 2:Its called dark humor.Dark humor is like food,not everyone gets it.

2
gralorix37
in Titanic

pepole in 1912: titanic is unstopable even god coudlnt sink this ship. god: bet where is my icebergs

Bignuts420
in Orphan

I saw a kid crying yesterday so I asked him where js parents were, god I love working in a orphanage

Anonymous

So there I was fucking my sister and she’s shouts “god you fuck like dad” I then said “damn that’s what mom said”

6
Anonymous
in Priest

A priest is drowning in a river... A boat comes along and asks to help him. He says "leave me alone, god will save me." The next day another boat came along and asked to help him. Again he said "leave me alone, god will save me. " The next day the last boat came and asked to help him. Once again he told the boat that god will save him. The next day he died. He went to heaven and asked god "why didn't you save me. " God said "I sent you three f*****ing boats and you didn't take them! "

M̸͟͞a̸͟͞y̸͟͞b̸͟͞e̸͟͞

A feminist walks into a bar. Her friend says "oh my god your shoulders are broad!" another woman says "are you sure it's a woman?"

2
Anonymous
in Orphan

Why are Egyptian gods orphans Because Egypt needs to sell Anubis (a-new-bus) every year to make a prophet

Anonymous
in Orphan

I told kids to make a family tree. God, I love working at the orphanages.

YoungYY
in Depression

If it's true what they say and I quote; "God never gives you more than you can handle"

Then you should pray to those who didn't, that God gave them a body strong enough to survive the attempt.

Thanos

I moved all the bibles to the fiction section because there is no god as said Stephen Hawking in 2011 but in 2018 god said there was no Stephen Hawking

ethan

[God creating spiders] God: make it have 8 legs Angel: ok? bit excessive but ok God: and 8 eyes Angel: You need to calm down and li- God: give it a butt rope