God Jokes

Anonymous
in Orphan

Why are Egyptian gods orphans Because Egypt needs to sell Anubis (a-new-bus) every year to make a prophet

Black Humor Connoisseur

A pedophile lures a group of Houston Girl Scouts with “Hey girls, would you like some candy?” They all agree and follow him to his neighborhood. There he offers them some more candy and they follow him to his house. Once again he offers them candy to go in to his house. In the lounge he offers them candy to go to his room. As he leads them up the stairs one of them pipes up and says “God, I hope we get laid before we get diabetes”

2
Addison Banks age (8)
in Funny

CAN WE PLEASE STOP THE FRICKING DRAMA! I see people bullying other people too, Gwen is not the only one. For god sake just do jokes, if you want to bully some one do it in your family! You people don’t even know each other but were still doing this stupid NONSENSE! JUST MAKE JOKES PEOPLE! That is why it’s called “Worst JOKES ever” not “Bully people EVER” SO SHUT UP AND GET A LIFE DUM DUMS! Geez! The only reason why I come here is to spread jokes and kindness like Gwen and others, not to spread HATE AND FOOLISHNESS FROM PEOPLE WHO DON’T EVEN KNOW BETTER THINGS TO DO BUT TO HATE ON STUPID STRANGERS FROM DIFFERENT PARTS OF THE FRICKING WORLD!!! “Addison shut up your only 8 years old. What do you know.?” I might be 8 but at least I got some sense, and plus I’m way smarter than you guys anyway. I’m in alert. You know like a very, very, very, intelligent kid! That can spell instead of saying “u” I say the true say you instead of “pls” it’s “please.” Sorry if I did meant it…which I don’t!

Anonymous

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.” “What?” said the puzzled groom. “How can that be if you’ve been married 10 times?” “Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn’t get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was… God! I miss him! But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!” “Good,” said the new husband, “but, why?” “You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m going to get screwed!”

3
Anus McDickNuggets
in Yo mama

yo mama so slow she took nine months to make the joke, thank god mine only took 6

(Optional)

[god creating spiders] God: ok what if I made an evil land octopus that could walk on walls

5
Anonymous

Why did God make men? Because you can’t teach a vibrator how to mow the lawn… =^…^=

Anonymous

When God created women, it was an accident. He meant to make a man, but then “WHOA-MAN!!”

Jeem
in Offensive

Stephen Hawking said there is no god. God said there is no Stephen Hawking.

Charles

Two men are in a rainforest and one of them is peeing. Suddenly a snake jumps out of some bushes and bites the man’s penis. The other man says, “ Oh my God, I will go to a doctor immediately!”. He didn’t have enough time to load the man into the car so he went straight to the hospital. The man told the doctor what happened and the doctor said, “You will have to make an incision at the wound and suck the poison out. The man wen back to the other man and said, “ There is no hope, you will die.”

6
Anonymous
in Chuck Norris

God said, “Let there be light.” Chuck Norris said, “You have to say please first.”

0
(Optional)

[god creating a jellyfish] God: how about an evil bag

drunkonlemonjuice

God’s racist. He separated light from dark.

7
:o)

What’s the same between a pregnant 14 year old and her fetus? They’re both saying “Oh my god my mom’s gonna kill me!”

0
Anonymous

God: ok so I created adults. And I created how they are supposed to look like from being born to preteen. Satan:(slides in) I’ll take over for you pops. God: I dunno….this is very delicate work. Just one wrong thing can ruin the system. Satan: don’t worry your beard off! (Pats his back) I’ll just do the ages from 12 to 18! God: Hmm…I’m still not-(Gets a call on his phone) shoot I got to take this. (Answers call) don’t touch anything Lucifer! (Walks away) Satan:…….(just touches lightly and alarms start blaring. He squeaks and runs away) God:(rushes in) WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO?!?! God:(tries fixing problems. Only gets alarms off) fuck me……… God:….(sighs) fine it’ll stay. We’ll just call it….puberty

0
Luciaaa

God: “Steven join us” sees the staircase to heaven Steven: “shit”

MarathonPunner
in Puns

What did the sand say when it got into a fight with the ocean?

“oh my God, you’re such a beach”

Anonymous

God my dad got so pissed during 9/11.

All that work wasted.

Anonymous

What did God say when he made Jake Paul?

Oops, I made a mistake.

Mario Baconsax III

Who were the fastest runners ever? Adam and Eve. They were first in the human race.