God jokes

Comic: God, you're a fuckin' virgin, aren't you?!

Gerald: No! I've been 'round the block loads of times; women practically drool over me.

Comic: Yeah, and the Archbishop of Banterbury, mate. A name like Gerald, and with added 'four eyes' like them shit pair of glasses from FOUR EYED SPECCY INSTITUTION, mate, the only woman your dick has been in was when you were inside your mom's womb.

What does a paedophile say when he gets to heaven?

A: Where's the holy baby?

So, a bus crashes, killing everyone on the bus, and God feels so bad that He gives each one a wish.

The first person comes up, and she wants to be beautiful, so God makes her beautiful, and she goes into Heaven. The next person comes up, and he says, "I want to be beautiful as well." As this goes on, the last man in the back begins laughing a little, everyone becoming beautiful, until God asked the last person what they want, and he said, "I want everyone in front of me to be ugly again!" So God had to call the based department and gave him everything that last guy wanted.

My god, my egg jokes are eggcellent!

A guy goes in to get some tests done. The doctor comes out and says, "I got good news and bad news." The guy says, "Ok, let's get the bad news out of the way." The doctor says, "The tests came back positive. You got two weeks to live." The guy says, "Oh My God!! Then what the hell is the good news?" Doctor says "You see that nurse over there, the one with the big tits? I'm screwin' her."

The Virgin Mary wasn't a virgin; she was a prostitute. God raped her.

What did Mother Mary say when God farted? Jesus Christ, you stink!

Life is karma... because I was born, God gifted me with social awkwardness, sh*t athletic skills, and stupidity.

You're so tall you can go see God, but you're so tall your balls got small.

Jesus is the worst, just joking; he is the best! Best best BFF great guy ever that has a miracle. Jesus comes from Bethlehem! 😄😄😄😄😄😄😄😄😇

Belief in Egyptian gods is just Ra-ng (wrong). 😁

I'm not sure how I'm going to get to Heaven.

God had not built a ramp yet... or an escalator.

People on 1912: This ship is unsinkable, even God himself couldn’t destroy it.

God: Ok, bet, where’s my icebergs?

Me: God, Bryce, do we really have to talk about this again?

Bryce: What?

Me: You're still talking shit!! I already told you! It's 9 inches! Stop saying it's 3!

P.S. I'm a girl.

Who is the most horny and fat ass god?

Kim Jung Un.

Chuck Norris met God once. Now God is the puny human.

Why did he die?

Because God made a mistake and pressed Ctrl+Z.

What is the difference between a nun and a prostitute?

One says, "God is my father." The other says, "Who's the father and who is my son?"

*Coughs roughly* Oh my God, it hurts so much. I can't see. It burns! Help!!! Help!!! Help!!! Help!!! *Weakly*

Little Johnny was sitting in class, and he was behind a girl called Sally. The teacher asks the class, “Who created the Earth?” And Little Johnny pokes Sally in the back with his sharpened pencil, and she jumps and says, “MY GOD!” And the teacher says, “Yes, Sally, God did create the Earth.” Sally sits down.

Then, the teacher asks, “Where do you go after you live a good life?” and Little Johnny pokes Sally again, and she jumps up and says, “HEAVENS TO BETSY!” And the teacher says, “Yes Sally. You will go to heaven after you live a good life.” Sally sits down, knowing full well Little Johnny was poking her. Sally gave Little Johnny an angry glare, and she turns around.

And then, the teacher asks the class, “What did Eve say to Adam after their 77th child?” and Little Johnny pokes Sally HARDER this time in the back, and Sally jumps, turns around, and says, “If you stick that thing in me one more time, I swear I’m gonna lose it!” And the teacher faints.