God jokes
Why are Egyptian gods orphans?
Because Egypt needs to sell Anubis (a new bus) every year to make a prophet.
I think God is cool with abortion.
After all, he did kill his only son.
A pedophile lures a group of Houston Girl Scouts with "Hey girls, would you like some candy?" They all agree and follow him to his neighborhood. There he offers them some more candy and they follow him to his house. Once again he offers them candy to go in to his house. In the lounge he offers them candy to go to his room. As he leads them up the stairs one of them pipes up and says "God, I hope we get laid before we get diabetes."
If you have an Autistic child, don't worry. Put your trust in God and pray it gets kidnapped.
Abortion is wrong because God wanted the baby to be alive.
Miscarriages are okay because God did not want the baby to be alive.
Me: Hey God, are you there? It's me, Michael.
God: *SILENCE*
Me: If any gods exist, they better say or do something this instant!
God: *SILENCE*
Men and women are not equal, speaking biologically and mentally. I don't care what other feminists say. Men are naturally physically stronger, while women are more mentally stable (sometimes). The internet and the media will lie. You feminists say that you are stronger. Well, you wish. You can't hit a girl because she is more sensitive, but she says she is stronger. Like, what the hell?
We're not sexist men; you're sexist women. And BTW, you'll rot in hell for hating God's creation. And also, men were created before women. Search it up in the Bible or online.
God: “Steven, join us.”
*sees the staircase to heaven*
Steven: “Shit.”
Farrah Fawcett, upon arriving at the pearly gates, God asked her, for having led such an honest life, to grant her one wish. Farrah simply requested that the children of the world would be safe.
Five hours later, Michael Jackson died.
Where has God existed outside of a man's awareness of him?
"When God sends me to hell... I want him to hesitate." -Techno
Why did God give women legs?
1. To look at.
2. To wrap around your neck when you’re eating her out.
Yo mama so fat even God could not lift her spirits.
You're so ugly that every time you look up in the sky, God says, "Sorry, can't help you."
What did God say when he made Jake Paul?
"Oops, I made a mistake."
What's the difference between my imaginary friend and God?
None.
They're both imaginary.
30 people died in a car wreck before they got to Heaven. God asked for one wish because they died in a tragic way. The first lady, she was obsessed with her looks, so she asked to be beautiful and God granted her wish. The next person didn't know what to wish for, so they wished for the same thing. The guy in the very back was laughing, having a grand old time. Then God got to the person before the last. He said the same, he wished to be beautiful. When God got to the last person, he said, "I want them all to be ugly again."
Me, holding a baby: "Oh my God, it's so cute!"
Also me: "Throw it."
Orphan: I finally have a father!
God: And who is that?
Orphan: You!
God: Who the hell is you? Well, it's not me.
Orphan: :l
Do you guys know why women have small feet? It's because God created them to stand closer to the sink when they wash dishes.