Girlfriend jokes
What’s red, nine inches long, and makes my girlfriend cry every time she sees it?
Her abortion.
My cousin just broke up with his girlfriend, and I told him, "Since your dad owns a moving company, you can already take half of her stuff."
Face-Timing My Girlfriend:
"Hey girl! Are you a veterinarian? Because these puppies are sick!" *shows muscle*
Me and my brother talking about relationships.
Me: We live kind of differently.
Brother: We're sort of alike.
Me: We're not alike.
Brother, because he's taken: 'Cause you don't have a boyfriend!
My thoughts: You're right. 'Cause I have a girlfriend!
I was in my car listening to my radio. Steve Winwood's song came on, "Just Roll With It, Baby." I said that must be one of Stephen Hawking's favorite songs; he sings it to his girlfriend.
I'm 34 and I went on a date with my 19 year old girlfriend. I got heckled with "you're a paedophile!" and "you sick F...!" Completely ruined our 10th anniversary!
Do you know what's the difference between a knife and a girl's argument?
A knife has a point.
Three guys are standing in an alley on an alien planet, and the psycho one says, "However many tits your girl has is how many balls you have!"
The first guy says, "Ha! My girlfriend has six! I'm racked up!" The second guy said, "Eh, I am happy with two balls." The third guy said, "Shit! My girlfriend is flat as fuck!"
A guy listening in enters and says, "Bro, you actually have girlfriends. I do not. Does that mean I have a pussy?"
What do a doctor and a girlfriend/boyfriend have in common?
They both break your heart.
Are you a red light? Because I stop every time I see you.
My girlfriend told me her lips were dry, and she had the audacity to get mad at me for telling her to walk.
A blond and her brunette friend were chatting about their boyfriends; the brunette goes on and on about how dirty her boyfriend is with her.
To not be outdone, the blond retorts:
"That's nothing! Once we were in the kitchen, I can't believe I didn't see it coming. One minute I turned, and he just got it all on my face! It was so thick and hard! It covered my mouth, my nose, my shoulders, and eyes. It even got in my hair, and when I looked up at him, all he could say was, 'Whoops! The flower went everywhere!'"
Mickey Mouse went to a psychologist and told him, “I’m having problems with my girlfriend.”
The psychologist said, “You mentioned that you think she is crazy.”
He said, “I didn’t say she was crazy, I said she’s fucking Goofy!”
I raped a girl and I liked it.
I hope my girlfriend won't mind it.
It felt so wrong, it felt so right.
Don't mean I'm in love tonight.
One day I caught my sister talking to my girlfriend, and she said, "You never told me you're lesbian." I said, "No, not at all." My girlfriend asked, "Why did you not tell her?" and I said, "Because every time I bring a girl home, I hear too much noise in her room, and I never get the chance to kiss them because she's cleaning the trash." She said, "Yeah, the trash is her junk."
Roblox jokes on this page in a nutshell: something about Roblox girlfriends, and "Add me on Roblox. My name is Sonicboy100299easyarsenaltowerofhellproxdlol."
Girlfriend: You remind me of a cell phone.
Girlfriend's ex: Why?
Girlfriend: Because you're about to die.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Malaysian Airlines Flight 303!
What did the man say when his girlfriend threw sodium and chloride at him?
That’s assault!
Why did Hitler's girlfriend break up with him? He Hit-ler.