Fucking Jokes

A friend sits across from me at class so I asked if she wants to hang out sometimes. She said yes, so I called her over to my house, and that's the day I found out she was a guy.

The moral of the story: don't try to fuck your friends.

One time I fucked this chick so hard, she almost came back to life.

I AM FUCKING HAPPY AS HELL.

What did Satin say to God??

"Bitch, what the fuck you looking at?"

Why do orphans like fucking other dads?

Because they get to have a daddy.

Why did my [redacted] a girl because she said, "Uh."

I fucked a wall.

A husband and wife get into a fight. The wife says, "Go blow off some steam. I’ll let you fuck a hooker." So he does that, comes back, and says, "I’m off the hook now!"

So, I was in school, and there was a number saying "696969," so I said to my mother, "What does it mean?" She said, "Your fucking dad and I!"

I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said no, "Why the fuck would I adopt you?" and I said "I'm gonna kill myself," and she also said, "Make sure you do it right this time."

What do Boy Scouts and IG models have in common?

They both be fucking sugar daddies.

I can't not believe you stupid fucks. This isn't funny. Just like a bunch of cunts not to believe there is nothing can't do.

BTW what do you call a manly woman's cunt? Nothing. Who gives a fuck?

What's the difference between Derek Boogaard and Kurt Cobain? Nothing, they were both fucked in the brain when they died.

Bully: Shut up, motherfucker!

Me: Well, stop talking to me and I won't have to keep fucking your mother.

Does that neverending forehead of yours go all the way to Mars, holy fucking shit?

Stephen could not click the "I'm not a robot" button, so I guess he is fucked.

Friend: Hey, did you catch that game last night? I did, it was so good! After that I went to Kane’s, because Kane's is amazing! What did you do this weekend? I did-

Me: Dude, are you the Terms and Conditions? Because I don’t give a fuck about what you say.

I fucked a chick named Macy, but she had dyslexia.

So I ended up doing the YMCA.

When you go to your girlfriend's house but accidentally go into her dad's room and fuck him anyway.

I'm 5'6", and my mom is 5'1" and 1/2. She always says she's going to get a suicide vest and fill it with bricks and squish me. I tell her good luck.

And when she tries to hug me, she says, "You're too fucking tall, kid," so I usually reply with "Go get a stool then."