Friend jokes
Me: I need a good roast.
My friend: Take me!
Me: Knock knock.
Friend: Who's there?
Me: Impatient feminist.
Friend: Impati--
Me: Why don't we have equal pay YETTTTTTT?
Two friends who've been bros for forever see each other in Wal-Mart in the card section. The first guy asks what he got his wife for her birthday. The second guy tells him he got her a Maserati and a card. The first guy tells him he got his wife a card and a dildo for her birthday.
The second guy asks why he got his wife a dildo for her birthday. The first guy says, "If she doesn't like the card I got her, then she can go fuck herself!"
Hi! I would like to befriend all the nice people on this website! (Watersharky, Gwen, Addison Banks, etc.)
The school shooter: "I finally found you worthless crybabies!!"
The Quiet Kid: "How are a bag of chips and a mac11 the same?"
The school shooter: "I don't know."
The Quiet kid: "When you pull them out everybody wants to be your friend."
My friend: How are you running so fast? You just had 10 hamburgers!
Me: It’s the 10 hamburgers that are making me run fast!
Me: I just came home from Africa, and guess what I saw.
Friend: I don't know.
Me: A black market.
I have some black friends who hate it when I say the N-word around them, so I got a pet monkey.
When an asteroid is coming to kill us all:
98.9% of the population: OMG, we're all gonna die!
1% of the population: Eh... I never had any friends anyway.
Alia: ROLL THE INTRO!
Your forehead and your hairline must be great friends, because they go way back.
I tried a lemonade from my friend. It tasted fantatastic!
A guy wins a free ticket to the Super Bowl and so he’s very excited.
However, he’s not so excited when he gets there and realizes his seat’s in the back of the stadium.
So he looks around him for a better seat, and to his surprise he finds an empty seat right next to the field.
He approaches the older guy who’s sitting in the seat next to the empty one and asks if the seat is taken.
The man replies, “No.”
The young guy is very surprised to hear this and asks, “How could someone pass up a seat like this?”
The older guy replies, “It’s my wife’s seat. We’ve been to every Super Bowl together since the day we were married but she’s passed away.”
“Oh, how sad,” the young guy says, taken aback. “I’m sorry to hear that, but couldn’t you find a friend or relative to come with you?”
“No,” the man replies, “They’re all at the funeral.”
I got a new Lego airplane set from my friend... oddly, there were also two towers included in the box as well.
Dinosaurs be like:
".......My friends are dead, like bruhhh."
When my friend eats a mint, I say, "Hey, is it mint to be sweet?"
What is the difference between a tree and "walk walk home and walk walk home from school and walk walk home and walk walk home from school and walk walk home from school and walk walk home from school and walk walk home and walk walk home from school and walk walk home and walk walk home from school and walk walk home and walk walk home from school and walk walk home and walk walk home from school and walk walk home and walk walk home from school"?
Me and my friends were telling puns. My teacher said we should be “pun-ished.”
My two friends came to me one day and said they had the best blowjob that they ever had from my little sister. So I ask my sister, "Is it true that you gave my friends blowjobs?" She said yes.
My sister asked me, "Do you want one?" I said yeah. My sister gave me a blowjob and wow, just like my friends, it was the best blowjob that I ever had. As an older brother, I couldn't be more prouder.
Q. What do you say when your friend has an abortion?
A. May your baby rest in pieces.
I had to go to my friend's house.
I went in her basement and I saw taped mouths that are KIDS in the basement... Is my friend OK???