Me: Hey how are you? Depression: I'm doing fine. We are just looking for a home :3 Insomnia: Mommy can we get a home? Anxiety: Insomnia wait for mommy to finish. Depression: Anyway here is my resume! Me: Okie thank you, Ok... mhmmm.. WOW! Okie this is a nice resume! (Didn't Read it..) Depression: Also I have 2 more friends that want to move in too! Me: Ok and there names? Depression: There names are: PTSD and Trauma! Me: Ok they seem fine (Doesn't know about them) Depression: Okie here is the money (a penny :() Thank you we will call you if we need anything. Me: Ok see you soon! :3 Me now hates my life. :)
A man in conversation with his friend says that his wife is on a 3-week diet. The friend curiously asks, how much has she lost? The man replies, "her life."
why did the tomato cross the road to ketchup with his friends on the other side
I asked my friend if they will show me something retarded. He said go look in a mirror. I said thank you.
I was crying at school and telling my friends that my grandpa died. Then I told them I still remember his last words, they wanted to hear them. They are: you still holding the ladder
friend 1: I don't want to jump. friend 2: me neither .murderer: if you don't jump ill stab you. friend 1: jumps. friend 2: jumps. murderer. i didn't mean off the building friend 1: I know that i just pretended to jump to get rid of that guy
Literally every movie:
"I love you" "I love u too"
My life:
My 'friends': "Hey, Hailey likes u!" Him: "wtf I have a grilfriend sorry not sorry" His friends: Spreads the word throughout the whole goddamn country". 😶
me: can i get ur mom number? friend: here u go: me: ohh strange i already had it.
My friend was told by her doctor that she was morbidly obese.
As if she doesn't have enough on her plate.
My friends hate when i make skeleton jokes.I guess i need to put more backbone into it.
A man dies, and his friend is invited to his funeral. This friend asks his wife "Can I say a word?" "Of course" she says. The man stands up and says "Plethora" The man's wife says "Thanks, it means a lot"
My friends were the pilots on 911 they told me. "bro chill its just a prank."
Kid: Dad where are you going
Dad: To get milk
TEN YEARS LATER
Kids friend: wheres your dad
Kid: he went to get milk but never came back
So I was f*****g this b***h right, and I thought I had aides. So I go and get tested. Turns out I did get aides. Now what I'm wondering is where the hell does an eight year old get aides?! I guess my sister needs new friends...
My friend said onions only cry so that’s why I threw a coconut at him
I got LEGOs for Christmas and my friend got her father's headstone
my wheelchair friend was getting bullied so i told him to stand up for himself.
People ask me if my friend jumps of a bridge will I go as well. Of course not. I am a leader I will go first, my friend will jump after me!
People call my blind friend dumb sometimes She can't see the obvious
I asked my friend how long i can be in sky he sayed if u are emo then forever
