My friends hate when I make skeleton jokes. I guess I need to put more backbone into it.
Literally every movie:
"I love you." "I love you, too."
My life:
My 'friends': "Hey, Hailey likes you!" Him: "Wtf, I have a girlfriend, sorry not sorry." His friends: Spreads the word throughout the whole goddamn country. 😶
Me: Can I get your mom's number?
Friend: Here you go:
Me: Ohh, strange, I already had it.
A man dies, and his friend is invited to his funeral.
This friend asks his wife, "Can I say a word?"
"Of course," she says.
The man stands up and says, "Plethora!"
The man's wife says, "Thanks, it means a lot!"
Kid: Dad, where are you going?
Dad: To get milk.
TEN YEARS LATER
Kid's friend: Where's your dad?
Kid: He went to get milk but never came back.
My friends were the pilots on 9/11, they told me, "Bro, chill, it's just a prank!"
So, I was fucking this bitch, right, and I thought I had AIDS.
So I go and get tested. Turns out I did get AIDS. Now what I'm wondering is where the hell does an eight-year-old get AIDS?! I guess my sister needs new friends...
My friend said onions only cry, so that's why I threw a coconut at him.
Fat person: "Hey, what's up?"
Friend: "Your blood pressure!"
Instead of the line, "This girl's on fire," my friend can relate to, "The baby in the oven's on fire, and I need to take it the f*ck out!"
Times are hard at the moment for people on disability benefits. I’ve got a friend who’s a dwarf...
...and he’s struggling to put food on the table.
I got LEGOs for Christmas, and my friend got her father's headstone.
The other day I went to a museum. My friend and I went to the Holocaust section, and he got choked up when he saw the Anne Frank picture. I asked him, "Why are you sad? It's just an ashtray."
Horrible Jokes, Part One- A friend of mine got into photographing salmon in different clothing. He said he liked shooting fish in apparel.
Two friends were walking in a forest. They started to fight.
A cannibal came and shouted, "Food fight!"
"Discuss the synopsis of this poem: My Friend Billy Has A Ten-Foot Willy."
"When your mom is pregnant and your best friend learns dad jokes."
Me:.....
My friends:
Maya: I only get 9 hours of sleep.
Josh: 9 hours? I get 7 hours of sleep.
Noah: You get 7? I get 4 hours of sleep.
Me: You guys are getting sleep...
A kid went and got a haircut. The day after, he went to school, and a friend says, "I like your cut." He replies, "Which one?"
My wheelchair-bound friend was getting bullied, so I told him to stand up for himself.
