Friend jokes
Are your hairline and forehead old friends, because they go way back?
Hi, everyone. Serious question. Would it be illegal to decapitate a worm? Asking for a friend, he's so worried we're going to jail. I'm not. I'm fine. Please reply fast.
My friend said, "Why do you have depression? There is so much happiness in the world." And I said, "Why do you have asthma? There is so much air in the world."
Today was a bittersweet day...
Bad news is my friend was assaulted. Good news is I successfully sneak attacked someone!
Joe mama so fat, she could not walk the stairs of heaven.
Credits: to my friend.
Two guys are on the playground. One guy says to the other, "Did you know that Hellen Keller had a playground in her backyard?" The other guy said, "No." The first guy says, "Neither did she."
"Why don't you want to taco 'bout it?"
"Cause I'm nacho friend anymore."
What's the worst thing about having a Congolese friend?
He always needs a hand.
Me: Hey, how are you?
Depression: I'm doing fine. We are just looking for a home :3
Insomnia: Mommy, can we get a home?
Anxiety: Insomnia, wait for mommy to finish.
Depression: Anyway, here is my resume!
Me: Okie, thank you. Ok... mhmmm... WOW! Okie, this is a nice resume! (Didn't Read it...)
Depression: Also, I have two more friends that want to move in too!
Me: Ok, and their names?
Depression: Their names are: PTSD and Trauma!
Me: Ok, they seem fine (Doesn't know about them)
Depression: Okie, here is the money (a penny :(). Thank you, we will call you if we need anything.
Me: Ok, see you soon! :3
Me now hates my life. :)
A man in conversation with his friend says that his wife is on a 3-week diet. The friend curiously asks, how much has she lost? The man replies, "her life."
Two hunters are in the woods when one of them collapses. He's not breathing and his gaze is blank. The other hunter grabs his phone and calls emergency services: "My friend is dead! What do I do?"
The emergency dispatcher replies: "Calm down. I can help you. First, make sure he's really dead."
Silence on the other end, then a gunshot. Back on the phone, the hunter asks: "Okay, now what?"
Why did the tomato cross the road?
To ketchup with his friends on the other side.
I asked my friend if they will show me something retarded. He said, "Go look in a mirror." I said, "Thank you."
I was crying at school and telling my friends that my grandpa died. Then I told them I still remember his last words. They wanted to hear them. They are: "you still holding the ladder?"
I have a friend whose birthday is on September 11th.
They're going to have an explosive party that will definitely blow you away!
It's gonna be the bomb, and a blast, too!
Friend 1: I don't want to jump.
Friend 2: Me neither.
Murderer: If you don't jump, I'll stab you.
Friend 1: *jumps*
Friend 2: *jumps*
Murderer: I didn't mean off the building!
Friend 1: I know that. I just pretended to jump to get rid of that guy.
Literally every movie:
"I love you." "I love you, too."
My life:
My 'friends': "Hey, Hailey likes you!" Him: "Wtf, I have a girlfriend, sorry not sorry." His friends: Spreads the word throughout the whole goddamn country. 😶
My friend was told by her doctor that she was morbidly obese.
As if she doesn't have enough on her plate.
My friends hate when I make skeleton jokes. I guess I need to put more backbone into it.
A man dies, and his friend is invited to his funeral.
This friend asks his wife, "Can I say a word?"
"Of course," she says.
The man stands up and says, "Plethora!"
The man's wife says, "Thanks, it means a lot!"