Friend jokes
The school shooter: "I finally found you worthless crybabies!!"
The Quiet Kid: "How are a bag of chips and a mac11 the same?"
The school shooter: "I don't know."
The Quiet kid: "When you pull them out everybody wants to be your friend."
Why didn't the orphan play video games with his friends?
Because his parents wouldn't let him.
My handicapped friend was getting bullied. I said, "Just stand up for yourself!"
One time I went to high-five someone. I've been left hanging ever since.
The dark side of kid songs:
You got a friend in me... you got a friend in me!
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend.
Friend: Wow thanks, I'm rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: You're what?
I can tell you used to be friends with your hairline, cuz it goes way back.
What's the Pixar movie close to being a pornstar? Toy Story... *I got a friend in me*
My friend said he saw a blind man. I said, "Did he LOOK nice?"
Me: How many letters are in the alphabet?
That one friend: 11 - T-H-E-- A-L-P-H-A-B-E-T.
My "friend" has dyslexia.
Friends call me crack miser, whatever I snort. My brain starts to distort! I'll be in court.
I tried a lemonade from my friend. It tasted fantatastic!
So, a few hours ago my friend said I need to CUT it out with the s/h jokes... like... it's really not that deep?
Three guys are standing in an alley on an alien planet, and the psycho one says, "However many tits your girl has is how many balls you have!"
The first guy says, "Ha! My girlfriend has six! I'm racked up!" The second guy said, "Eh, I am happy with two balls." The third guy said, "Shit! My girlfriend is flat as fuck!"
A guy listening in enters and says, "Bro, you actually have girlfriends. I do not. Does that mean I have a pussy?"
My friend saw your forehead and realized you're gay.
My friend said not to look down on me. I said I can't because I'm shorter than her.
Best way to trick your friends:
A brick falls out of a plane.
How do you put an elephant in the fridge? Open the door, put him in, and close the door.
How do you put a giraffe in the fridge? Open the door, take the poor elephant out, put the giraffe in, and close the door.
The animal kingdom is throwing a party, all the animals are there except for one, who? The giraffe, because he's still in the fridge.
Sally needs to cross the river that is known to be filled with deadly crocodiles, but she crossed safely, how? Because the crocodiles are at the party, but Sally still dies after crossing the river, how? Because she was hit by the flying brick.
My friend was feeling low today, so I went up to her and said, "You know, I would hang in there if I was you, swaying through life." I don't think she likes me now.
Orphan: Wanna have a sleepover?
Friend: But you're an orphan.
Orphan: Just wanted a place to sleep tonight!