Little Johnny got detention because when he was walking to lunch, he saw a bowl of apples and there was a note on it that said, "Take 1, God is watching." He continued walking and saw a bowl of cookies that said, "Take 1, please." So little Johnny made his own note and he wrote, "Take as many cookies as you want, God is watching the apples."
So I caught my girlfriend masturbating with a carrot. My first reaction was "Shit, I was gonna eat that later, but now it’s gonna taste like carrots!"
Why doesn't my egg want to crack?
Because I hate my egg-sistence.
Why do vegetarians give good head?
Because they’re used to eating nuts.
What do you get when a cow is caught in an earthquake?
You get a milkshake!
What do you call a gay drive by?
A fruit roll up.
Why are tomatoes 🍅 the slowest vegetable?
Because they can’t ketchup.
There was a cannibal who had a wife and eight kids.
A man walks into a bar and notices a steak hanging from the ceiling. When he asks the bartender about it, the bartender says, "If you can jump up and hit it, drinks are on the house for the night, but if you miss, everyone's drinks are on your tab for the next two hours. Do you want to try?" The man decided not to take the risk. He thought the steaks were too high.
In the morning, I become a cereal killer.
What’s wrong with a gay bbq?
All the hotdogs taste like shit.
You take care of chickens. Does that make you a chicken tender?
Why does the ice cream have so many friends?
Because he’s cool.
What do you call a Mexican Baptism?
Bean Dip.
Why does a heterosexual man swallow the sperm of another man after he has given him a brojob?
Because of the cream filling inside, just like the individually wrapped cakes of Hostess Twinkies.
Just noticed something: all celebrities die badly except for Elvis. He had a relief after Taco Bell.
Why are women like KFC?
After you've finished with the thigh and breasts, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.
How is spinach like anal sex?
If you were forced to have it as a child, you probably won't like it as an adult.
Yesterday, a guy threw a liter of milk at me.
How dairy!
Are you enjoying my yolks? I bet they're making you crack up. If not, I better scramble.
