Food jokes
What's great about an emo pizza?
It cuts itself. Yay!
What do you call disabled people in a hot tub? -- Vegetable soup.
A husband comes home from work one day, and his wife is watching the Food Network. The husband asks, "Why do you watch that? You still can’t cook," and the wife responds, "Why do you watch porn? You still can’t fuck."
What is the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Well, beer nuts are 49 cents, but deer nuts are just under a buck. (If you don’t understand the genders of deer, you won’t understand it.)
Person 1: Goodness, when is Michael Jackson going to stop eating these white chocolate truffles? He is already making a goddamn mess on his bed eating a few of them.
Person 2: Well, he cannot resist the little white balls.
A man walks into a diner one day, walks up to the counter, and proceeds to order a bowl of chili.
The waitress says that the man sitting next to him just ordered the last bowl they had. That man was just sitting there, not eating the chili.
After watching him not eating for a while, the first man asks him, "Are you going to eat that?"
The second man replies, "No, you can have it if you want."
So the first man takes the bowl and starts eating.
About halfway through the bowl, he's chewing when he feels a crunch. He looks down only to see half a dead rat sitting in the chili.
He immediately throws all of it up, back into the bowl.
The second man looks at him and says, "Yeah, that's about as far as I got too."
I had to clean out my spice rack and found everything was too old and had to be thrown out. What a waste of thyme.
Why do people from Alabama abhor eating tacos and burritos?
Because their meat has to be in bread.
What do cannibals call pregnant women? A kinder surprise.
What do you call a peanut on the allergy table?
A kill streak.
What’s a cannibal's favorite takeaway shop?
The orphanage.
So I caught my girlfriend masturbating with a carrot. My first reaction was "Shit, I was gonna eat that later, but now it’s gonna taste like carrots!"
What do you do with epileptic lettuce? -- You make a seizure salad.
How do you fit 100 babies in a bowl? A blender.
How do you get them out? Tortilla chips.
If someone calls you, reply with this: “Hi, this is Dave’s orphanage and pizzeria, where yesterday’s loss is today’s sauce! How may I assist you today?”
What is the favorite dish in Africa? The empty one.
Did you hear about the new emo pizza? It cuts itself.
Why do horses eat with their mouth open?
Because they have bad stable manners.
What did Donald Trump serve to Justin Trudeau at a state dinner?
Poutine with Russian dressing!
Little Johnny got detention because when he was walking to lunch, he saw a bowl of apples and there was a note on it that said, "Take 1, God is watching." He continued walking and saw a bowl of cookies that said, "Take 1, please." So little Johnny made his own note and he wrote, "Take as many cookies as you want, God is watching the apples."