Asked my dad what LGBT stands for.
He started with "Lettuce? Bacon. Tomato. What's the 'g' for?" Obviously, I had to reply with "Garnish."
What do you call disabled people in a hot tub? -- Vegetable soup.
A man walks into a diner one day, walks up to the counter, and proceeds to order a bowl of chili.
The waitress says that the man sitting next to him just ordered the last bowl they had. That man was just sitting there, not eating the chili.
After watching him not eating for a while, the first man asks him, "Are you going to eat that?"
The second man replies, "No, you can have it if you want."
So the first man takes the bowl and starts eating.
About halfway through the bowl, he's chewing when he feels a crunch. He looks down only to see half a dead rat sitting in the chili.
He immediately throws all of it up, back into the bowl.
The second man looks at him and says, "Yeah, that's about as far as I got too."
What is the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Well, beer nuts are 49 cents, but deer nuts are just under a buck. (If you donโt understand the genders of deer, you wonโt understand it.)
I had to clean out my spice rack and found everything was too old and had to be thrown out. What a waste of thyme.
What do cannibals call pregnant women? A kinder surprise.
Why do people from Alabama abhor eating tacos and burritos?
Because their meat has to be in bread.
I was gobsmacked when I encountered the Jacko special at a Bunnings sausage sizzle. A 40-year-old sausage on 7-year-old white bread.
Whatโs a cannibal's favorite takeaway shop?
The orphanage.
What is the favorite dish in Africa? The empty one.
What do you do with epileptic lettuce? -- You make a seizure salad.
What do you call a peanut on the allergy table?
A kill streak.
How do you fit 100 babies in a bowl? A blender.
How do you get them out? Tortilla chips.
What kind of chocolate does a lesbian hate?
Ones that contain nuts.
Yo' mama is so fat, her cereal bowl comes with a lifeguard.
Person 1: Goodness, when is Michael Jackson going to stop eating these white chocolate truffles? He is already making a goddamn mess on his bed eating a few of them.
Person 2: Well, he cannot resist the little white balls.
Did you hear about the new emo pizza? It cuts itself.
Why do horses eat with their mouth open?
Because they have bad stable manners.
What did Donald Trump serve to Justin Trudeau at a state dinner?
Poutine with Russian dressing!
Spongebob and Jacko have one thing in common.
They both routinely place meat in small buns.
