Food

Food jokes

Cow

Q: What do you get when you cross a cow and a smurf?

A: Blue cheese.

Mess

Person 1: Goodness, when is Michael Jackson going to stop eating these white chocolate truffles? He is already making a goddamn mess on his bed eating a few of them.

Person 2: Well, he cannot resist the little white balls.

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  • Chili

    A man walks into a diner one day, walks up to the counter, and proceeds to order a bowl of chili.

    The waitress says that the man sitting next to him just ordered the last bowl they had. That man was just sitting there, not eating the chili.

    After watching him not eating for a while, the first man asks him, "Are you going to eat that?"

    The second man replies, "No, you can have it if you want."

    So the first man takes the bowl and starts eating.

    About halfway through the bowl, he's chewing when he feels a crunch. He looks down only to see half a dead rat sitting in the chili.

    He immediately throws all of it up, back into the bowl.

    The second man looks at him and says, "Yeah, that's about as far as I got too."

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  • Memes

    Cent

    What is the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Well, beer nuts are 49 cents, but deer nuts are just under a buck. (If you don’t understand the genders of deer, you won’t understand it.)

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  • Thyme

    I had to clean out my spice rack and found everything was too old and had to be thrown out. What a waste of thyme.

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  • Alabama

    Why do people from Alabama abhor eating tacos and burritos?

    Because their meat has to be in bread.

    Baby

    How do you fit 100 babies in a bowl? A blender.

    How do you get them out? Tortilla chips.

    Donald Trump

    What did Donald Trump serve to Justin Trudeau at a state dinner?

    Poutine with Russian dressing!

    Horse

    Why do horses eat with their mouth open?

    Because they have bad stable manners.

    Carrot

    So I caught my girlfriend masturbating with a carrot. My first reaction was "Shit, I was gonna eat that later, but now it’s gonna taste like carrots!"

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  • Cookie

    Little Johnny got detention because when he was walking to lunch, he saw a bowl of apples and there was a note on it that said, "Take 1, God is watching." He continued walking and saw a bowl of cookies that said, "Take 1, please." So little Johnny made his own note and he wrote, "Take as many cookies as you want, God is watching the apples."

    Egg

    Why doesn't my egg want to crack?

    Because I hate my egg-sistence.

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