Eye jokes

Do you know the teacher that went up in space? She had blew eyes. One blew this way and one blew that way.

Me: You have pretty eyes.

Her: Thank you.

Me: I can make them roll back 😈🥴

What do George Washington and a beaver have in common?

They both have eyes.

So, I remember growing my own peanuts really well. There's one that's larger than the others. I can't keep my eye off of it.

I'm scared that it moves at night.

I'm being serious. I literally can't keep my eye off it.

Why did the chicken cross the road to Popeyes Chicken?

It wanted to pop some chicken eyes...

What do nerds and chicks have in common? They both have four eyes.

What's the difference between when I opened the window in a car wash and when Kawhi Leonard did it? At least my dad didn't get shot in the eye.

A kid decided to burn his house down.

His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, "That's arson."

I got to work.

Ben: Oh no, my boss is here. I hate my job and I'm terrified of my boss.

Ben: Uh, hey, hey Mr. Boss.

Boss: Have a nice day.

Ben: Ok, bye!

Boss:??

The more they smile, the less they see.

Can you see me?

Roses are red, Violets are blue, In your eyes' reflection, My dreams come true.

You're at a buffet, you think you're hungry for two, but misfortune happens when you think of yourself. You get stuck looking at sides in the buffet. A roly poly gal you see in the corner of your eye, eyeballing the main dishes in front at the end. You go in for the pickings, you get intercepted by a far more hungrier matter, but you find yourself getting slammed over the buffet table, and realize you are gasping for air, and she is tenderizing you for dinner.

So one time I was with my girlfriend, crazy, right? But we were doing a TikTok eye follow challenge, and she pulled up a pic of Gwen Stacy from Into the Spider-Verse, and I looked somewhere I shouldn’t have, and she smacked me, and I changed to the Rock, and you know where she looked? WTF, right in the no-no square, and since she was a girl, all I could do was sit back and watch.

What’s Whitney Houston’s favorite type of coordination? HAAAAND EEEEEEEEEYYYYEEE!

What’s better than Ted Danson? Ted singing and Danson!

What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!

What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business!

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing, and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says, "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence; then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says, "OK, now what?"

I have 3 eyes, 2 ears, and 6 mouths, what am I?

UGLY!

Me: Mom, I think I need to go to the hospital.

Mom: OMG, why son?

Me: I don't know what's wrong, but every time I close my eyes, I can see.

Think about it, then spread LMAO.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?

A: It just felt like it.

Mom, what happens if you swear at a church?

Well, honey, a tee posing nun with glowing red eyes and nunchucks will beat you.