The first time I EVER HAD SEX I WAS ALL ALONE YOU know why? IT WAS DARK and I WAS ALL ALONE!
I told my doctor I ate a bunch of bananas, it wasn’t a very apealing experience.
Why does Little Johnny hate hot dogs?
It reminds him of last night.
My childhood tormentor was at school. I walked through so I could get to class.
And then he said, "Hey, you donkey!"
I said, "Thank you, I'm so happy that I'm something, not nothing like you!" And I gave him a pink lollipop. He walked off. And I became popular. Or should I say, Lolli-Popular? Sorry.
You will remember reading this for the rest of your life.
A blind pilot walks into a plane waving his walking stick
The passengers all look at each other in disbelief. The flight attendant gets on the PA and says,
"Ladies and gentlemen, as you can see, the captain is legally blind, but rest assured, he is one of the best pilots in the world with over six thousand successful flights."
Next the co-pilot makes his way to the plane and he is also blind and uses his walking stick to make it to the cabin. The flight attendant gets on the PA and says,
"Ladies and gentlemen, as you can see, the co-pilot is also blind, but rest assured, he is the second best pilot in the world with over five thousand successful flights."
At this point the plane begins to take off from the runway. As it gains speed, the passengers grow tenser. The plane keeps accelerating more and more and as it approaches the end of the runway, it still hasn't left the ground. The plane is approaching the end of the runway at high speed and the passengers scream, "Oh my God, we're all going to die!!"
Suddenly, the plane takes off and begins its ascent.
The pilot turns to the co-pilot and says, "The day they stop screaming, we're screwed."
Batman: Arkham Knight, developed by Rocksteady Studios, is the final installment in the critically acclaimed Batman: Arkham series. Released in 2015, the game is renowned for its immersive gameplay, compelling narrative, and stunning visual design, offering players an unparalleled experience of stepping into the shoes of the iconic Dark Knight. The game's narrative is one of its standout features. Set one year after the events of Batman: Arkham City, the story sees Batman facing the ultimate threat against Gotham City. The Scarecrow returns to unite an impressive roster of super villains, including Penguin, Two-Face, and Harley Quinn, with a singular goal - to destroy Batman forever. The narrative is dark, intense, and filled with surprising twists, keeping players engaged till the very end. In terms of gameplay, Batman: Arkham Knight introduces the Batmobile as a drivable vehicle, adding a new dimension to the series' signature gameplay elements. The game's combat system is fluid and satisfying, allowing players to feel the power of Batman with every punch and kick.
“One silent evening, a man walks to his fridge to get some food. He sets out a fork and napkin on the table. He reaches to grab a salad topped with olives and cheese. He sets the food down on the table and begins to add tomatoes, condiments, and...“ He is interrupted. “Why are you saying this aloud?” A young boy asks his father. The father replies with, “You wanted to know how to live on your own. But I guess experience is more helpful,” he says as he rushes the child out of the front door.
If I worked for Edexcel, I'd give Caroline Flack an A* for her physics experiment.
Why are Germans good at smoking. They had experience with smoking
President Joesph Biden said during the first presidential debate of the 2024 presidential election that he does not debate as well as he used to, Mr. Biden also can't think as well as he used to either but then again when Mr. Biden was a United States senator in the state of Deleware he never could think because thinking was never one of his strengths and that is the reason why Mr. Biden became President Obama's vice president in the first place oh well that's politics
EXPERIMENT SUCCESSFUL 😱😱 Scientists have created an element named Pessomium 😳😳 Characteristics: -Highly reactive only in Bolivia and Panama 😡🤬 -Turns invisible when in Brazil or Uruguay 🥵🤧 -Finished 😹🤕 -0 protons 0 electrons 0 goals 0 assists 7 debuts 🥶
three scientists are doing an experiment, they are trying to find out what happens when you stick a cork in an elephants ass. in the lab they each look at each other and decide that they should hire a monkey to do it. the monkey sticks the cork up the elephant's ass and the scientists wait three weeks.
the monkey pulls out the cork and all three scientists go back and discus what they saw. the first one, standing one mile away, says all he could see was a wave of brown then it all went black, the second, standing two miles away, said the same, the third, who was standing three miles away, said all he could see was the other two get consumed by a massive cloud of brown.
1. Full name: John 2. Proverb: work is not a rabbit, does not run. 3. Favorite meal: the sphinx with the sour cream. 4. Sexual orientation: sexually disorientated. 5. Mental health: mentally retarded. 6. Previous careers: funeral undertaking, after that two years in the circus as the main brown bear, after that in the church school for two years, after this experience five years as a screw in the jail for the worst criminals with the top degree of supervision and now working for the secret services in my home country after gaining the top-secret audit. 7. Favorite pets: dog, bumble bee named Maxo, a butterfly named as Redwing and the lizard named as Notail 8. Favorite activities: washing the dishes, cutting the woods, vacuuming and playing hard rock. 9. Working motivation: none.
I hope that you will accept my curriculum vitae and that we will see each other soon already as new colleagues, I wish more or less. Kind regards, John
I just got my doctor’s test results and I’m really upset about it. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor.
My grief counselor died. He was so good, I don’t even care.
Today, I asked my phone “Siri, why am I still single?” and it activated the front camera.
A man wakes from a coma. His wife changes out of her black clothes and, irritated, remarks, “I really cannot depend on you in anything, can I!”
As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe my budding career as a tour guide was not the right choice.
I was digging in our garden and found a chest full of gold coins. I wanted to run straight home to tell my wife about it. Then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.
The doctor gave me some cream for my skin rash. He said I was a sight for psoriasis.
Don’t challenge Death to a pillow fight. Unless you’re prepared for the reaper cushions.
I don’t have a carbon footprint. I just drive everywhere.
Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, like when you push them down the stairs.
A man walks into an enchanted forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can’t cut me down,” the tree exclaims, “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”
My mom died when we couldn’t remember her blood type. As she died, she kept telling us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without her.
What does my dad have in common with Nemo? They both can’t be found.
I visited my new friend in his apartment. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.
When my Uncle Frank died, he wanted his cremations to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.
Do you know the phrase “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure”? Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out that you were adopted.
My husband left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn’t working.” I’m not sure what he’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!
Why did the man miss the funeral? He wasn’t a mourning person.
It’s important to establish a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words “antidote” and “anecdote,” one of my best friends would still be alive.
Want to know how you make any salad into a Caesar salad? Stab it twenty-three times.
When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on outings.
Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
My wife is mad that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and left. Right.
When does a joke become a dad joke? When it leaves you and never comes back.
A priest asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, “Do you have any last requests?” “Yes,” replies the murderer. “Can you please hold my hand?”
I just read that someone in New York gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor guy.
The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him with my gun. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.
You know you’re not liked when you get handed the camera every time they take a group photo.
Where did Joe go after getting lost on a minefield? Everywhere.
What’s red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
My grandfather said my generation relies too much on the latest technology. So I unplugged his life support.
My parents raised me as an only child, which really pissed off my sister.
What did the Titanic say as it sank? I’m nominating all passengers for the Ice Bucket Challenge!
Why did Mozart kill all of his chickens? When he asked them who the best composer was, they all replied, “Bach, Bach, Bach.”
How many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they all sit in the dark and cry.
I have a stepladder because my real ladder left when I was 5.
They laughed at my crayon drawing. I laughed at their chalk outline.
My husband and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
I have many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work.
The most corrupt CEOs are the ones who run pretzel companies. They’re always so twisted.
To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They picked tacos. Then I made pizza because they don’t live in a swing state.
I was reading a great book about an immortal cat the other day. It was impossible to put down.
You’re not completely useless. You can always be used as a bad example.
I threw a boomerang a few years ago. I now live in constant fear.
What’s the difference between a hipster and a football player? A football player showers.
I made a website for orphans. It doesn’t have a home page.
The other day, my girlfriend asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t talking to me.
Why can’t Michael Jackson go within 500 meters of a school? Because he’s dead.
