A woman noticed her husband standing on a bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. "Ha! Thats not going to help!" She said. "Sure it does." he said. "Its the only way i can see the numbers."
your hairline is like the universe still waiting to be discovered
I wasn’t staring, I was just trying to figure out if that was your hairline or the Great Wall of China.
No one has the right to look down on others unless you're perfect, and looking down on others is not perfect either
it’s just true
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children” and I thought, “That sounds like a fair trade.”
I wasn't staring at you I was trying to figure out if that's your forehead or the moon
Astronomers got tired of watching the moon rotate around the earth for 24hrs, so they just called it a "day".
What is the fastest thing in the world?
James Charles when he sees little boys
Kid: Mum how do you know someone is drunk? Mum: See the four birds over there Kid: huh, wait a minute. Mum: A drunk person would see eight. Kid: Mum but there is only two.
My mind was blown when I saw all the people waving at me.
-JFK
I was at the bar with a friend, and he said to me, "Veronica, I just stopped a rape." The bartender overheard him and had a puzzled look on his face, because he never moved. He then said, "I saw this girl walk into the bathroom, and I decided not to go."
2 men ran into a bar, you would have thought after the first one hit it the second one would have seen it
Have you ever observed the depression cycle of a snail? It's pretty much a downward spiral.
So today i heard a friend say she had a stalker, i can confirm i ́ve never seen a stalker following her.
Imagine Africans during solar eclipse...
what do you call an American looking at cloud shapes
openheimer
If I smiled one centimeter each time I watched someone I hated die, I'd look like the cheshire cat.
What do you call a dinosaur with good eyesight............do you think he saw us
When you see an "Autistic child zone" sign and say "OH! That wasn't an dog."
little johnny got detention because when he was walking to lunch he saw a bowl of apples and there was a note on it and it said take 1 god is watching. He continues walking and sees a bowl of cookies that said take 1 please so little johnny made his own note and he wrote take as many cookies as you want god is watching the apples
