Every jokes

Do you know what is good about being an orphan?

Every candy bar is family sized.

I hope every time you watch YouTube, you get 30 second unskippable ads!

Your hairline is so far back that you have four faces to wash every day.

You are so fat that the waiter said to you every time: "Sorry for your weight" instead of "Sorry for the wait."

Every good joke has its delivery, except abortion jokes, because they have none.

This kid was crying, so I asked him where his parents were. He just cried harder. I still remember him every time I pass that orphanage.

You're gay.

Bro, I am straighter than the pole that your mom dances on for me every night.

You're so fat, every time you go in the elevator, it goes down.

If I had two nickels every time PETA parodied a game, I'd have 14.

Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.

Poor bastard.

Someone in London is stabbed every two minutes. Poor guy.

Every time my grandmother and I were at a wedding, she’d say: “you’re next.” So I started saying the same thing to her at funerals.

A Priest and a Rabbi walk into a bar.

These two have been great friends for over 20 years...play golf together...and meet every Tuesday at a classy bar for a glass of wine...talk about golf...good wine and spiritual matters. One day while at the bar enjoying a glass of merlot, the Rabbi raises his glass of wine and says to his long time friend.."brother, do you believe Jesus turned water into wine?"...the Priest thinks for a moment and raises his glass of wine and replies..."yes brother, I do believe Jesus turned water into wine...but don't get excited...since Jesus was Jewish, the wine was probably Manischewitz."

A teacher in Scunthorpe asks a class what their favorite football team is, saying, "Raise your hand if it is Scunthorpe." Every student but one raised their hand. The teacher asks, "Why don't you support Scunthorpe?" The child answers, "My parents support Grimsby, and so do I." The teacher comes back with, "Why are you copying your parents? What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad a druggie?" The child answers, "Then I'd support Scunthorpe like you dirty bastards!"

Dad: No, Timmy, you don't have to worry, there is no monster sleeping under your bed, it sleeps every night in the bed next to me.

Patient: Doctor, every time I look in a mirror, I feel ill, as if I'm about to throw up. What's wrong with me?

Doctor: I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect.

Dad: I'll pay you 10 bucks for every day you don't tell a lie.

Next day:

Dad: Son, what's the ugliest thing you've ever seen?

Son: That ugly face of yours, go get a life, gosh, Dad, you're embarrassing.

The dad sulked for 3 whole years.

Proof that words really can hurt.

Why can’t anyone sing “hit me with your best shot” at the veterans ball karaoke?

Because every time she sang the line “fire away,” someone started shooting!

Why do emos get discounts at every shop? Because they have barcodes on their wrists.

How to get your joke on every category? Michael Jackson, towers, morbid, emo, school, short, penis, sects, little Jonny.