Drive jokes

You can sink the Titanic like you can drive a bike. Not a joke.

I don't have a carbon footprint; I just drive everywhere.

How do you disrespect an Asian?

Give them driving lessons.

Gay gang members don't do drive-bys, they do fruit roll-ups.

It was women driving the planes for 9/11.

Why can’t you take a Black Asian guy golfing? Because he can’t drive and can’t find his own balls.

Blind people driving on the highway would be the world's biggest, and shortest game of bumper cars!

Why can't gays drive faster than 68 mph?

Because at 69 they blow a rod.

Alcoholics don't run in my family, they drive.

Why was Helen Keller so bad at driving?

Because she's a woman.

An Eskimo was holidaying in New Zealand and while driving his rented car around the countryside it broke down. A bloke passing by offered to help, lifted the bonnet and said, "I know your problem, you blew a seal."

The Eskimo with a shocked expression retorted, "Yeah? Well you fuck sheep!"

A girl in my class started barking, and I yelled out, "Furry!" Everyone started laughing at her, and I felt bad. After school, I asked to drive her home, and one the way there I apologized and then told her to count down from 10 - 1. Before she said one, I yelled, "THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!" then I jumped out the car.

So I was asleep and woke up and went to work. My wife left already to her job. I was driving my car and ran over someone. I woke up in my bed, realized it was all a dream.

20 minutes later I got a phone call that my wife got hit by a car.

I didn't mean to call an Afghanistan hotline. I told them I was depressed, then they asked if I know how to drive a truck. I don't know how that has anything to do with it!

Why does an orphan never learn how to drive? Because he has no dad to help him.

If there are 4 Mexicans in a van, which of them is driving?

None of them. Immigration service is.

When I called the suicidal hotline in Iraq, they asked if I could drive the car.

Why did Stephen Hawking die?

He drove too far away from the power point/modem.

A man driving along a country road sees a little girl crying next to a cliff. He gets out and says, "Aw, what's the matter little girl?"

She points off the cliff, and at the bottom is the family car, burning with everyone inside, all mangled and dead.

The man unbuckles his pants and says, "Little girl, today just ain't your day."

Man 1: I-I ran my mom over to get a stupid book.

Man 2: Aww, books aren't that bad. I'm sure she thinks you're a great son considering she can't drive anymore.

Man 1: She was in the road, and I was rushing to get the last copy of this book. She can't drive or do anything anymore.