Drive Jokes

Q: What’s a good thing about child molesters?

A: They drive slow through school zones.

He dead, he alive, but most importantly, he got a new hard drive.

I went to the doctor because I had a steering wheel in my pants, and it was driving me nuts.

A physicist, an engineer and a programmer were in a car driving over a steep alpine pass when the brakes failed. The car was getting faster and faster, they were struggling to get round the corners and once or twice only the feeble crash barrier saved them from crashing down the side of the mountain. They were sure they were all going to die, when suddenly they spotted an escape lane. They pulled into the escape lane, and came safely to a halt.

The physicist said, "We need to model the friction in the brake pads and the resultant temperature rise, see if we can work out why they failed."

The engineer said, "I think I've got a few spanners in the back. I'll take a look and see if I can work out what's wrong."

The programmer said, "Why don't we get going again and see if it's reproducible?"

What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car?

Get in the car.

Two tweets are shown in a side by side comparison. The first tweet reads: "To be fair, you could drive for 149 hours across Vatican City if you drive slow enough." The second tweet below the first one reads: "You can drive for 149 hours across Russia and still be in Russia". The second tweet also includes an image of the Russian map with a line of travel highlighted. It shows the route from west to east of Russia and has a text bubble displaying '149 hr'.

One day I was with my mom and we had no money on the credit card, and we live far, and my mom was hungry.

A guy and his friend had a car and asked us if we were lost. We said no, we have no ride, no money, and my mom is hungry. So the guy would take us for a blowjob each, so I was driving the car and my mom gave both guys a blowjob. We had to get out of the car to look for something, then the two guys went in the car and told us we got bad news and good news. I asked what the bad news was. They said that they're not taking us home, so I asked what the good news was. They told me that they fed my mom and drove off. I guess where they left us wasn't a long walk and my mom wasn't hungry anymore.

Americans: We drive on the right side of the road.

The British: We drive on the left side of the road.

Russia: ROAD IS ROAD. *crashing noises follow*

I took my son to a driver's school and am surprised because he got his license but soon lost the privilege to drive a car because he ran over my ex on "accident."

(I gotta go pay him out of jail!)

What's the difference between a road bump and children crossing the road?

A road bump will make you slow down when you drive over it.

After the drive-by, Tupac became known as Pewpac.

A girl called me ugly.

So I drove over her with a car and called her flat.

Me: Have you seen a Mr. Weewoo?

Most people: No.

Me: He drives the ambulance downstairs.

KSI driving ability.

Friend: Why did you touch me?

Me: That guy in the corner with no hair, glasses, really nice, white button up shirt, that drives a white van slow by school zones told me to and he would give me hard candy.