Dont jokes

If you hate America, I don't like you :)

What did the blonde say when someone says, "Your baby is so cute?"

"For the last time, I don't want to sign up my child for Tindergarten just yet!"

Guy: Fight me on Xbox. Guy: Oh right, you don't have one *laughs*

Me: Fight me in real life. Me: Oh right, you don't have a real life. *INSERTS APPLE BOTTOM JEANS*

2021-2022

Why can't orphans operate Apple devices?

Because they don't know how to use the home button.

Why can orphans only use Samsung?

Because they don't have a home button.

A piece of toast and a hard boiled egg walked into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve breakfast here."

What do you call a chair?

I don't know. What?

Oh, hi, Chairity!

A man who drinks a lot is told by his wife that if he ever gets drunk again she will leave him.

Later, the man goes to a pub and drinks a lot and throws up all down his jacket. 'Oh no,' he says to his friend, 'if I go home like this again, my wife will leave me.' 'Don't worry,' his friend says. 'Put a £20 note in your jacket pocket. When your wife challenges you, produce the money and say another man threw up on you and gave you the £20 note for the dry cleaning.' 'Brilliant!' the man says and goes home. He walks through his front door and his wife sees him. She is furious. 'No no,' the man says, producing the money from his inside pocket. 'A man threw up on me and gave me £20 for the dry cleaning.' 'What's the other £20 note for?' asks his wife. 'Ah, that's from the man who shat in my pants.....'

Guys, don’t put the Holocaust books in the fiction section, it was the worst mistake of my life!

I don't even like ketchup, so it stays stinky.

Kids, next time you have school dinners, make sure you have something you actually like so you don't have to shove all your food over to one side of the plate to make it look like you've eaten more than you actually have.

Don’t cry when you attend my funeral, I was dead long ago so why cry now?

Stop with the blind jokes... I don't see the point.

Americans don't like playing chess with Muslims; last time they did play, they ended up losing two towers.

I don't like condoms, but I like gay pregnant X.

"I'm sorry, Wendy, but I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die."

How long does it take to blow up a baby in the microwave?

I don't know, I close my eyes when I masturbate...

I don't understand why people get offended by incest jokes; they're so family friendly.

Sara's Mom was helping her prepare for her driver's test.

Mom: "Okay, any questions?"

Sara: "Yes. I actually don't know what "yield" means."

Mom: "Don't worry, Hon. No one does."

So, a daughter asks her father, "Dad, what is your opinion on abortions?" Her father says, "Why don't you ask your sister?" The daughter responds, "But I don't have a sister... Oh."