Dont jokes
Don't listen to people when they say you have a dad bod. You don't.
You have a father figure.
What's the difference between a salad and a baby? People don't usually scream when you shake around a salad.
What’s the difference between a cancer patient and a British news reporter in the South?
They usually don’t live to tell the tale.
What do orgasms and impulses have in common?
I don’t care if they have either of them.
If at first you don't succeed, blame it on the patriarchy.
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a Martinus.
"Don't you mean a martini?" asks the bartender.
The Roman replies, "If I wanted a double, I would have asked for one!"
My friends in my friend group say that I am quiet and I don't do anything bad. I proved them wrong by murdering the leader of it.
She does not wanna fuck you, and she don’t need you clapping them cheeks.
Mary has a house near a forest. She lives with her bro, and she once asked, "How many trees are there?" Her bro said: "I don't know." She said: "Tree."
Mom: I'm going to the shop. If someone is at the door, don't open it.
Me: Ok.
*Ring*
Me: Opens the door.
Oh sh*t!
Mom: Gets flip flop.
They don't have parents because they left when you were 0.
Why don’t alligators grow up to 15 feet?
They only have 4.
I don’t like stairs. They are always up to something.
I have no puns because I don't play soccer.
Idiot 1: Why are cows good in math?
Idiot 2: I don't know why.
Idiot 1: Because they have built-in cowculators!
What do you call a chair?
I don't know. What?
Oh, hi, Chairity!
A woman in labor suddenly shouted, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! Didn't! Can't!"
"Don't worry," said the doc. "Those are just contractions."
Who are you to believe if you don't believe in unicorns?
Pilot: So Kobe, it seems like you’re not going to make it to your destination in time, so I’m going to put it on autopilot so I can find a place to fill with gas.
Kobe: Take us to the side of that mountain at full speed. I don’t really want to go to the event anymore.
What do you call a shadow?
Tyrone, don’t be a coon!