Doesnt jokes

What's the difference between a pizza & a person?

A pizza doesn't scream when I try to shove it into an oven...

A hired gun gets on a private plane to his next contract. Halfway through the trip, he notices the plane rapidly losing altitude. So he opens that back of the plane and starts tossing out everything he doesn't need: grenades, guns, ammo—unless it was bolted down, it went out. He stopped throwing things out when the plane started to regain altitude.

When the plane lands, he sees some kids giggling on the side of the road. "What's so funny?" he asks.

"Daddy farted and the house blew up," said a singed little boy.

What do you call a cow that doesn't produce any milk? An udder failure.

What's the difference between a plane and a woman?

At least the plane doesn't give you herpes when it crashes at your place.

I walked up to a group of moms having a conversation while waiting to pick up their kids from day care. They were using cutesy words like "ankle biters", "rug rats," and other terms I've heard parents use before when describing their toddlers.

I thought I'd chime in; as it turns out, "carpet muncher" doesn't mean what I thought it does.

I asked my new girlfriend how many men she’d had before me.

She said not to worry, she could count them all on one hand.

Unfortunately, this was when I noticed she’s holding her cell phone with a calculator app open. I took note of her wallet inside a picture of what appeared to be 10 guys. I asked and she said that’s my fam as well. I noticed an Alabama driver's license. I asked which one was her dad. She said that she doesn’t talk to him anymore because he had sex with the boss’s daughter. I casually asked what he did for work. Self-employed? She said that’s the last time I use ancestry.com!

What is the difference between an American and a computer?

An American doesn’t have trouble shooting.

What kind of jokes doesn’t work out?

Fat people jokes.

A depressed man has been thinking of killing himself, and his friend says, "Find Jesus instead, he'll help you!"

And then the man says, "It's pretty hard to 'get help' from something that doesn't exist."

Yo hairline so long that it doesn't have a stopping point.

What do you call a cow that doesn't stop shaking?

A milkshake.

I will never forget my little brother's last words, RIP.

His last words: "Paint doesn't taste good."

I saw a sign that said, "Falling Rocks." I tried it, and it doesn't.

I got hit with a can of soda.

It doesn't matter, it was a soft drink.

What's the difference between a pile of 100 dead babies and a Mustang Challenger?

A Mustang Challenger doesn't exist.

The Stiggs life is a joke. Wait, I forgot, he doesn't have a life.

A rich guy and a poor guy have their wedding anniversary on the same day. They meet each other at the shopping complex.

The poor guy asks the rich guy, "What'd you get for your wife today?"

The rich guy replies, "I got her a diamond ring and a Mercedes."

The poor guy asks, "Why did you get two gifts for her?"

The rich guy says, "If she doesn't like the diamond ring, then she can return it in her Mercedes."

The rich guy asks the poor guy, "What'd you get for your wife?"

The poor guy says, "I got her a pair of slippers and a dildo."

The rich guy asks, "Why did you get two gifts for her?"

The poor guy says, "If she doesn't like the slippers, then she can go f*** herself."

What's the difference between vitiligo and plastic surgery?

Vitiligo doesn't alter facial features.

I asked to switch seats on a plane because I was next to a crying baby.

Evidently that doesn't work if the baby is yours.

I told my dad that I wanted to go to a college with a 100% acceptance rate and a 50% graduation rate, and he said, "Your mom doesn't count as a college!"