Doctor jokes
I wanted to get brain surgery.
I changed my mind.
What did Hitler tell the eye doctor?
“I can na-zi.”
A woman wakes up in a hospital after an accident and yells, "Doctor, Doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
And the doctor says, "I know, I amputated your arms."
What’s pink, nine inches, and makes my wife cry when I shove it down her throat?
Her Miscarriage.
A blonde went to an HIV test. When she came back, she said, “The doctors say that I’m all positive!”
My mom said the happier a person is when sick, the sooner they get better.
So I went to the hospital, hooked up everyone's breathing masks to laughing gas.
Woman: "Doctor, where are we going?"
Doctor: "To the morgue."
Woman: "I'm not dead yet, doctor."
Doctor: "We're not at the morgue yet, either."
Why did the cookie go to the doctor? Because he felt crummy!
What does a pizza delivery man and a gynecologist have in common?
They can both smell it, but they can’t eat it.
A guy went to the doctor and told him that whenever he drinks a cup of tea, his eye hurts. The doctor brought him a cup and asked him to drink. When he finished, the doctor told him: "From now on, take off the spoon."
Yo momma so stupid that someone said, "You're not that wealthy," and she went to a doctor.
When Stephen Hawking is ill 🤮, do you take him to Curry's PC World or the doctors? 😂😂😂😂
He died because of a fuck up by the Hospital. Apparently, the doctor said to the nurse, "You can discharge Mr. Hawking now," so she went to his room and pulled the plug out of his computer.
Nurse: Don't worry, I'm great with babies. Parents: You are? Nurse: Yeah, I always abort them. Parent:... Parent: You're hired.
A guy goes to see his psychiatrist dressed only in bubble wrap. When he gets there, he asked the psych, "Can you please help me?"
The psych says, "No, I'm sorry, I can clearly see your nuts."
A guy is at home and he's about to go get a physical at the doctor's office. When he gets there, the doctor says, "Brian, you're going to have to stop masturbating." He asked the doc why? The doc said, "So I can examine you!"
Where did the eye doctor keep all his kittens? On Cat-A-Racks!
One apple a day keeps the doctor away; not logging onto servers using management or service accounts keeps SecOps people away.
A calendar asked the doctor how many time he's got left. The doctor replied: "'Til December."
The cancer patient asked the doctor how many more months he had to live. The doctor replied, "Tu-more."