Doctor jokes
Little Johnny went to the doctor to get an infection checked on his penis. As the doctor examined it, he asked, "Lil Johnny how did you get an infection on your penis?" Johnny replied, "Well, the damn neighbor Sally's braces are too sharp."
The doctor told me I was so retarded, I was required to ride two wheelchairs.
Old man goes to the doctor.
The doctor says, "The test results are back, and I'm sad to say you have cancer and Alzheimer's."
The old man says, "Phew! At least it's not cancer!"
A man woke up from a serious surgery. He screamed, "Doctor! Doctor! I can't feel my legs!" And the doctor replied, "I know. I amputated your arms."
I told my doctor I was experiencing some back pain. He told me to smoke some weed because I had chronic back pain.
Yo mama so fat that she should be worried for her health and go see a doctor.
My doctor called me fat. I told him I wanted a second opinion and he said, "OK, you're ugly too."
What did the dinosaur eat when the dentist fixed his tooth?
The dentist!
Where do sick boats go? The dock!
Why did the math book go to the psychologist?
It had too many problems.
Why did the library book go to the doctor?
It needed to be checked out.
Why did the author go to the emergency room?
His editor told him he needed an appendix removed.
What's the difference between Bird flu and swine flu?
For one you get tweetment, for the other you get oinkment.
I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant, but apparently it just changes the color of the baby.
9 out of 10 doctors recommend for children to drink water instead of soda. That 1 doctor lives in Flint, Michigan.
"Mom? Don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital."
"Aaron, you've been a doctor for over 8 years now, please stop starting every phone conversation we have with that."
"I'm sorry," the doctor says, "you have a rare and very contagious disease. We must quarantine you, and you'll only be fed cheese and bologna."
"Will that cure me?" the patient asks.
"Well, no," the doctor replies, "but it's the only food that will fit under the door."
Doctor: "Does your penis burn after intercourse?"
Patient: "I don't know. I never tried lighting it."
The patient says, "Doctor, you've got to help me. Nobody ever listens to me. No one ever pays any attention to what I have to say."
The doctor says, "Next, please."
What's the difference between a surgeon and God?
God knows he's not a surgeon.