Diet jokes
Today I learned that on average, humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
This is partially due to the fact that most humans don’t like the taste of monkey.
Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven ate nine. But why did seven eat nine? Because seven knew you had to have three squared meals a day.
What is the difference between lettuce and a hamburger?
When the lettuce runs, the hamburger cries.
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
If you think about it, taking candy from a baby is good because candy is bad for babies.
How did the rape victim on a diet lose 21 grams?
She died.
You're so fat, when you step on a scale it says, "To be continued."
Yo mama's so fat, her blood type is Ragu.
My diet consists of Blood Pudding, I love it and have it for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, my secret ingredient though?
It consists of the blood and insides of my victims, it’s a bit chunky sometimes, some bits chewy, some bits hard, but it’s a hearty meal.
You're so fat, you only know the letters KFC.
What do Olympic sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing. They fast!
What do squirrels eat?
Nuts. 🥜
What do penguins 🐧 eat for lunch?
Freeze burgers.
What do you call a cow with no toes?
Lac-toes intolerant.
What do you get when you gobble down sweets?
What do you call a group of chubby trans-genders?
Trans-fats.
Why are skinny people skinny?
Because he don't have a family to breastfeed on.
What do you call the mushy stuff between sharks' teeth?
A slow swimmer...
How do you help a rape victim on a diet lose 7 pounds?
Kill her afterwards.
Yo mama so fat, when she skips a meal, the stock market drops.