Diet jokes

Hey, I got some Domino's pizza, salad, breadsticks, and chicken wings for everyone. Yeah, but make sure Ms. Mandingo gorilla don't eat all up, because if she do, I'm going have to shove it up her fur.

Q: Why is Japan the healthiest country?

A: Last time they had a fat man, 80,000 people died.

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

Instead of walking through the door, the owner of the house broke in through the window.

When he came out, a man standing on the sidewalk walked up to him and asked why he hadn't just walked through the door. The owner responded, "I'm pollo vegetarian, and I really just wanted a bit of food."

When the man looked confused, the owner said, "Windows are nature's vending machine."

The reason why I stopped eating salads was not to be unhealthy; it was so I don't need to eat the wheelchairs along with all those fucking vegetables.

Which nut is the worst for your diet?

Donuts.

What is a cannibal's favorite food?

Finger food.

Lean.

When you want Pringles, but a fat person was eating them, there were only three left, sweety.

How do people eat bread?

Is it still called beef if two vegetarians are arguing?

What do rabbits eat for breakfast? IHOP.

What's the food orphans can't eat?

Family-sized ice cream.

Life is like a box of chocolates. It gets finished pretty quickly if you're a fat guy.

I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that’s just nuts.

What did the frog order?

A diet Croak!

"Gaining weight is gonna be a piece of cake."

There's a new Viagra and prune juice diet that's out.

Unfortunately, you can't tell if you're coming or going.

Why did the blonde snort artificial sweetener?

She thought it was diet coke.

What is a Jamaican's idea of a balanced diet?

A joint in each hand.