Die jokes
Deutsch: Die, die nichts zu sagen haben, reden viel. Die, die was zu sagen haben, hingegen kaum.
Three men are shipwrecked on a jungle island and taken prisoner by the residing cannibals. They are all told to walk into the jungle and come back with one piece of fruit. They go in and the first man comes out with a peach. He is instructed to shove it in his ass, and if he laughs, he will be killed. He tries and dies.
The second man comes back with a grape and is instructed to do the same. When the two meet at the pearly gates, the first man says, "I had a peach. They're fuzzy. You had a grape. What's your excuse?"
"Well, I was doing fine until I saw Jimmy come out of the brush with a pineapple."
The pinnacle of loyalty is that an ant married an elephant, and after he died, she spent her entire life burying him :)
I decided that I'll end it all, but when I drove off, I remembered I forgot to do the dishes.
Are you with Alex?
Fucking retarded. Go dig a home die, people!
What do classical musicians do when they die?
They decompose.
The reason he died is that they accidentally flipped the wrong light switch.
My joke is your life support getting unplugged because my phone is about to die.
Why did Technoblade die?
Because God wished him dead for all the orphans he made fun of.
You know what would be the best last thing to say before you die? "No, you certainly can't." JFK's assassin certainly can!
How did Stephen Hawking die?
He tried to update to Windows 10, and his hard drive corrupted.
Where do mathematicians go to die?
The symmetry.
"This isn't the first time my husband's cheated on me, but you're my sister! You'd better have a better explanation than this magic lamp."
"You know how you have to be specific making wishes? Well, I was really horny and asked the genie to have the world's biggest penis....ended up with a concert pianist that's seven foot tall. Nice guy. Next time I tried, I asked for the world's biggest cock, that was fun but the poor rooster died. So I asked for the world's biggest dick and that's how I ended up on top of your husband."
So, a husband and a wife have three kids. The husband is on his death bed, and he looks up at his wife and says, "Honey, is our youngest son truly and honestly mine?" She says in response, "I swear on everything that is good and holy, our youngest son is yours." He dies peacefully.
Then she says under her breath, "I'm glad he didn't ask about the first two."
When Michael Jackson died, people melted him down into Lego pieces so that little kids could play with him instead.
How are wet clothes and a depressed person alike? One gets hung up to dry, the other gets hung up to die.
Has anyone else ever been jealous when their laptop dies?
I would like to die like my Islamic father, in his sleep, but not like the rest of the people in the plane or those in those identical towers.
Why did the chicken cross the road because he wanted to get run over and poop, and he died for 30 years until he was sent to Joe for getting run over, and he got killed by something, and then he died, and then he got it by you poop.
How did the gay man die? Homicide.