Death jokes

Why did Aaron slit his wrists?

Because it's him.

I got arrested because I cremated a guy. They said the guy had been alive when I burned him. I mean, it's an early cremation—what's the difference?

I once heard my dad shout, "I'm going to be like Frozen and let it go!" Then I heard a gunshot.

A man goes to the library to find the best book about committing suicide. So when he asks the librarian, "What's the best book on committing suicide?" The librarian said, "Oh, fuck off...you won't bring it back anyway."

Did you hear he died of a virus? A computer virus.

What will make a depressed teenager happy?

A cliff.

What is the difference between Sir Isaac Newton and the baby I just stabbed?

Sir Isaac Newton died a virgin.

I could never forget my grandfather's last words. "Stop shaking the ladd-"

Are you a bullet? Because you go straight through my head.

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, and his eyes are glazed.

The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator says, "Calm down. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says, "OK, now what?"

Why did Stephen Hawking die?

Because I unplugged his life support to charge my phone.

Why did Technoblade die?

'Cause he wanted to Skyblock in Heaven!

A teenager went into a creepy house with his 3 friends. Only 2 came out. Where are the others?

(Getting brutally murdered.)

Person: You can't kill an orphan!

Me: What are they going to do, go tell their parents?

What is a box called when a cough dies in it?

A coffin.

I remember my grandfather's last words: "Is that loaded?"

What does the dead man say to the other? He says, "Your daughter is pretty."

The other man says, "How do you know?"

The other man says, "Because she is dead."

Q: What's the difference between a grandma fetish and necrophilia?

A: A few weeks.

I used to have a son, but he died the same way Eric Clapton's son died. For inspiration.

What do you call it when human vegetables die?

Spoiled food product.