Death jokes
Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?
His wife is dead.
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
He was dead.
Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
He was also dead.
Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?
Monkey see, monkey do.
Why did the fourth monkey fall out of the tree?
He was stapled to the first one.
I was eating this girl out the other night, and I tasted horse semen, so I said to her, "Oh, that's how you died, grandma!"
Sometimes I think back on all the people I’ve lost and remember why I stopped being a tour guide.
Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.
You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
My grandfather said my generation relies too much on the latest technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.
I’ll never forget my father’s last words to me just before he died: “Are you sure you fixed the brakes?”
If you ever have a gay friend whose comatose, tell his family he/she was a fruit. Now he/she's a vegetable, at least they're still in the produce section.
How did Princess Diana cross the road?
Through the windshield!
Rape victim: I want to die.
Man: Hang in there.
Rape victim: That's what I'll do, I'll hang myself.
What's a suicidal person's favorite drink?
The depressay expressay.
Just kidding, bleach!
I will never forget my grandpa's last words:
Alahu-Akbar.
Are you a bullet? Because you go straight through my head.
Why did the little boy drop his ice cream?
Because he was hit by a bus.
Why did Hitler die? He got hit by 'ler'.
What's yellow all over and can't swim?
A school bus full of children.
What did Michael Jackson say?
Nothing, he's dead.
What's the difference between me and an old man? No one pulled my life support.
My grandpa died in 9/11. I was told his last words were "Allahu Akbar."
What's even funnier than throwing a baby off a building?
Catching it with a pitchfork.
What is red, white, and goes round and round?
A baby in a blender.
What's about 12 inches long, has a purple head, and can make women scream all night?
Cot death.
I'd tell a Luigi joke, but it would fall flat faster than the line on his victim's heart monitor.