Death jokes
How many dead babies does it take to change a light bulb?
Must be more than 9, my basement is still dark!
Why did the frog cross the road?
To show his gang that he had guts.
Two hunters were walking through the forest one day. Their names were Johony and Papa.
All of the sudden, Johony passes out. The other hunter panics and dials 911. The emergency responder says “911, what's your emergency?” The hunter replies “My son just passed out and I don’t know what to do! I think he might be dead!” The emergency responder replies “Before you do anything, make sure he is dead.” The phone goes silent and then the responder hears a gunshot. The hunter gets back on the phone and says “Ok, now what?”
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
He was dead.
Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
He was also dead.
Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?
Monkey see, monkey do.
Why did the fourth monkey fall out of the tree?
He was stapled to the first one.
Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?
His wife is dead.
I was eating this girl out the other night, and I tasted horse semen, so I said to her, "Oh, that's how you died, grandma!"
Sometimes I think back on all the people I’ve lost and remember why I stopped being a tour guide.
Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.
You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
My grandfather said my generation relies too much on the latest technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.
I’ll never forget my father’s last words to me just before he died: “Are you sure you fixed the brakes?”
How did Princess Diana cross the road?
Through the windshield!
If you ever have a gay friend whose comatose, tell his family he/she was a fruit. Now he/she's a vegetable, at least they're still in the produce section.
Rape victim: I want to die.
Man: Hang in there.
Rape victim: That's what I'll do, I'll hang myself.
What's a suicidal person's favorite drink?
The depressay expressay.
Just kidding, bleach!
Are you a bullet? Because you go straight through my head.
What's yellow all over and can't swim?
A school bus full of children.
Why did the little boy drop his ice cream?
Because he was hit by a bus.
I will never forget my grandpa's last words:
Alahu-Akbar.
Why did Hitler die? He got hit by 'ler'.
What did Michael Jackson say?
Nothing, he's dead.
What's the difference between me and an old man? No one pulled my life support.
My grandpa died in 9/11. I was told his last words were "Allahu Akbar."
What's even funnier than throwing a baby off a building?
Catching it with a pitchfork.