Death jokes

What's the difference between a parachute and a coffin?

One brings you safely to the ground, and the other is a last resort when you've already hit it.

What's the difference between me and my mate...

I left my dad, while hers left with their friend Cancer.

A man was walking home but felt tired, so took a short cut through the cemetery. He then heard a tap, tap, then out of the corner of his eye, he saw a man with a hammer hitting the tombstone. The man said, "You scared me. I thought you were a ghost." The other person mumbled, "They spelled my name wrong."

How to make an orphan die?

Tell them to yell until their folks come home.

Guy 1: How far are we going?

Guy 2: About as far as somebody's miscarriage.

In the hospital, I saw a girl with cancer trying to sleep. The ICU was going beep beep beep. I think that's why she can't sleep, so I turned it off. She's asleep forever now. Nighty night.

How do you know an orphan is lying? When they swear on their mother's life.

What is the worst thing to do at a funeral?

The corpse.

What does an abortion joke and a fetus have in common... The joke never gets old, and neither does the kid.

Her: I love Kobe Bryant!

Me: Helicopter Helicopter

Her:.....

Me: At least you don't say save the trees, cus damn Kobe is good.

I would tell a joke about Kobe, but it wouldn’t really land well.

What do suicidal people and apples have in common?

They both hang from trees.

Why do orphans want to die?

Because they might see their parents in Heaven.

*Coughs roughly* Oh my God, it hurts so much. I can't see. It burns! Help!!! Help!!! Help!!! Help!!! *Weakly*

This category is messed up.

My Mom died in 9/11, at least she was doing what she loved, flying planes.

What might an aborted child want for Christmas?

..... a home that isn't a bin.

What do you do if you see a nigger shot 50 times? Stop laughing and reload.

A man and a child walk into the woods. The child turns to the man and says, "Mister, can we go home? It's getting late, and I'm scared to walk home."

The man turns to the child and says, "How do you think I feel? I have to walk home alone!"

Am I considered a cannibal because I told my mom that Grandma's ashes were sugar?

One day I was passing a blind man and I gave him a gun and told him it was a blow dryer.

Next day I went for another walk and saw his grave.