Death jokes
They said I couldn't drive.
Now they know I can't cause they are all dead.
When a family friend passed away, my granddaughter took her three-year-old son to visit the widow. As they approached the front door, she whispered to the boy, “Make sure to tell her how sorry you are.”
He whispered back, “Why? I didn’t kill him.”
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears, people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
Man, choking on sugar seems like the sweetest way to die.
I told my friend yesterday he's literally my dad.
He didn't show up for the rest of the year.
After a long labor, a doctor approaches the new mother and says, “Ma’am, I’ve got some good news and some bad news. What would you like?” After quickly thinking it over, she responds, “I’ll have the bad news first, doctor.”
The doctor replies, “Well, I’m not sure how to put this, and I’m sorry to have to tell you, your child has red hair.”
Relieved, a smile spreads across the mother’s face. “Doctor, if that’s the bad news, what’s the good news?” The doctor replies, “He’s dead.”
A woman delivers a baby. The doctor takes the baby and throws it, smashing it around the hospital room, drop-kicking it, etc. The mother starts freaking out, being held back by nurses, begging, “WHYYYY!!??”. The doctor holds the baby upside down by the ankle and says, “I’m just fucking with you, it was born dead”.
Stephen Hawking didn't die, he just uploaded himself to the 'net...
Some kids at school made fun of me for playing Halo. I gave them a halo.
If you die a virgin, then where does your v-card go? Does it go with you to the grave, or does your mortician take it from you?
How many dead babies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
102, if you have some alive ones.
How do make an adult cry?
Stab him 10000 times until the floors are red with human blood.
Did you hear about the guy who got his entire left side cut off? Well, he's dead.
I like my girlfriends like my children: dead.
When I die, I want to be shot out of a cannon.
And into a children's birthday party.
What's the best way to get ten babies in a bowl?
A blender.
What's the best way to get them out?
A blender.
Joaquin Phoenix as The Joker is like Heath Ledger if he overdosed on prescription drugs... Oh, wait. He already did.
My father said I'm too reliant on technology.
I called him a hypocrite, and unplugged his life support.
A sad guy called "nun" is crying next to the grave of his best friend called "month". "Month" got killed by a gay guy, and after that, "nun" got homophobic.
While "nun" is sitting next to "month"'s grave, he heard a guy ask his friend: 《Do You Wanna Play A Game On?》 "Nun" got angry and he asked that guy: 《What did you just say to your friend?》 The guy answers: 《A game on, why?》
"Nun" kills the two guys.
🤔
Why don't skeletons play music at the church?
Because they don't have any organs.