Death jokes
Girl: "How do you feel about abortion?"
Dad: "Ask your sister."
Girl: "I don't have a..."
How do you make a plumber sad?
You kill his family.
If you had 10 chicken nuggets and Jimmy tried to steal one, what would you have?
10 chicken nuggets and a dead Jimmy.
Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?
His wife is dead.
One day, a snail got robbed by two turtles.
The cops arrived and arrested the woman for killing her cheating husband, and the son was sent to child services. (Moral - no one cares about the frkn snail and turtles!)
1: My grandpa died last year.
2: What kind of cancer?
1: He was hit by a bus! It's called bus cancer.
I guess Grandpa took the elevator to Heaven.
He definitely didn't make it up the stairs.
What did grandpa say before he died in the hospital bed?
"Boy, could you put my phone on charging?"
What is a necrophiliac's favorite band?
Coldplay.
What is scarier than a pile of dead babies?
The bottom one ate its way out!
Make a wish kid: I want to meet Mac Miller.
Make a wish staff: You will soon, chief.
How do you make any salad into a Caesar salad? You stab it 23 times.
How do you get a clown to stop smiling?
You shoot him in the face.
My dad and I went to the hospital once, and he said he'd be fine and it'd only take a few minutes.
Lying bastard never came out.
What does a skeleton say when he has lots of work?
"I have a ton of work, skele-ton."
Ugh, don't you just hate it when you're having sex and your parents walk in the room and say, "No more dead babies for your mister, we are running low!"
What’s the difference between dead babies and a cat?
The cat is still alive.
What’s the difference between cat food and tonight’s dinner?
Nothing, it’s all just mystery meat.
What did the skeleton say to the genderless child? "You're fucking dead, mate."
If only Caesar hadn’t left home that day...
Your mom is so fat she won't be in a coffin when she dies. She won't fit in it.