Death

Death jokes

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What did grandpa say before he died in the hospital bed?

"Boy, could you put my phone on charging?"

Make a wish kid: I want to meet Mac Miller.

Make a wish staff: You will soon, chief.

My dad and I went to the hospital once, and he said he'd be fine and it'd only take a few minutes.

Lying bastard never came out.

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    • What does a skeleton say when he has lots of work?

    "I have a ton of work, skele-ton."

    Ugh, don't you just hate it when you're having sex and your parents walk in the room and say, "No more dead babies for your mister, we are running low!"

    What’s the difference between dead babies and a cat?

    The cat is still alive.

    What’s the difference between cat food and tonight’s dinner?

    Nothing, it’s all just mystery meat.

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    • What did the skeleton say to the genderless child? "You're fucking dead, mate."

    Your mom is so fat she won't be in a coffin when she dies. She won't fit in it.

    My girlfriend's dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one.

    It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"

    My grandfather says I’m too reliant on technology.

    I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

    I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins. I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.

    A woman decides to take a well-earned vacation, and she asks her brother to watch her cat while she's away.

    On the second day, when she calls her brother to see how things are going, he tells her bluntly that the cat is dead.

    The woman is really upset and goes into hysterics, before saying, "You can't tell a person bad news so bluntly. You should break the news gently. The first day, you should have said that Fluffy was stuck on the roof and couldn't get down. The second day, you could have said that she had fallen, but the vet said she would be okay. Then on the third day, you could have said that she died from complications."

    The next day, the woman calls her brother again and asks how things are. He says, "Well, Grandma is stuck on the roof and can't get down..."

    I wish I could kill my family, but you realize you're an orphan.

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    • Three dead bodies are delivered to the mortuary one day. Each of them has a great big smile on their face.

    The coroner examines the bodies and then calls the police to tell them what has happened.

    "First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector," says the coroner.

    "Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

    The inspector then asks, "What about the third body?"

    "Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the redneck from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning."

    "Why is he smiling then?" asks the inspector.

    "He thought he was having his picture taken."

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