My crush said that she would rather die than have sex with me... It turns out that she was lying.
Death Jokes
When we die we get sent to heaven, but when Stephen Hawking died, he was sent to the cloud.
Michael Jackson was working on a cover of a popular Elton John song when he died...
His version was to be called "Don't Let Your Son Go Down on Me"...
What do you call a person with one arm, one leg, one eye, and one ear?
ONESY.
“Hey dad, how do you kill a star?” - Give them drugs.
Who wants to hear the biggest joke ever?
My life.
What's the last thing that went through Curt Cobain's mind?
His teeth.
Man, I’m so sorry that Stephen Hawking is dead; he was such a good person.
Too bad it’s a staircase to Heaven and not a ramp.
What were Stephen Hawking's last words?
The Windows XP log out sound.
When I grow up, I wanna be like Lil Peep... Dead.
What is the best thing about being buried alive or burning to death?
No funeral costs.
I want to die like my grandpa, with a blindfold and a wet sponge on his head.
Three people died and went to Hell. One of them is from America, the second guy is from Germany, and the third guy is from Afghanistan. The devil lets each person make a phone call to their loved ones in the country they came from, but they will be charged. The American spends 10 minutes on the phone and is charged $20. The German spends 12 minutes on the phone and is charged $24. The man from Afghanistan spends half an hour on the phone and is charged nothing. The other two guys asked the devil why. The devil responded: "Local calls are free."
I have an EpiPen.
My friend gave it to me when he was dying.
It seemed really important to him that I have it.
What's the difference between a dead baby and a slice of pizza?
A dead baby can't feed a family.
I remember my grandfather's last words: "Is that loaded?"
How do you get 500 babies in a phone booth?
A blender.
How do you get them out?
A straw.
What is black, white, and red all over?
A dead zebra 🦓
So Timmy was walking down the street with his friend Lea. Suddenly a car drives by and Timmy waves at the car.
Lea looks at him, puzzled, then later asks him; "Why'd you wave at that car back there?"
Timmy replies "Oh that was my brother, he went to the bar. He must just be driving home..."
I was in my guitar class and my strings were dead, and then I realized they were more dead than George Bush on November 30, 2018.
Q: What did the man say after removing another man's hat? A: He was decapitated.
