Death jokes
Did you hear about the old Italian chef?? Yeah he pasta away.
Then a man walked comprehending to be him. Everyone knew he was an impasta.
What's the difference between cancer and me?
My dad didn't beat cancer... Whelp, I guess I stole that one.
The cat ran across the road when the car swerved. It killed a bear that killed a dog that killed a squirrel that killed a nut. The cat survived it all. The cat killed the squirrel and the bear with the car...
The cat still died, why?
It had a Catastrophic Catcident.
Why did the orphan run into the street? To get to the other side of life.
How did Stephen Hawking die?
He ran out of battery life.
Why can't dinosaurs clap?
Because they're dead.
A man walks into the library. “Hello ma’am, I’d like to borrow a book about committing suicide.” The librarian replies, “No, you won’t give it back.”
My girlfriend's last words:
"I can’t wait to become a mom!"
What do you do with a dead chemist?
You Ni-tro-gen!
Why did Steward die in the toilet?
He saw his Undercut in the mirror.
What’s the difference between fruit and dead babies?
I don’t put fruit in a blender.
How do you die from Alzheimer's? You forget how to breathe.
How did Stephen Hawking die? His wife needed to charge her iPhone.
What's worse than 1000 dead babies hanging off a tree?
1 dead baby hanging off 1000 trees.
I will tell you a story. There was a fruit named Pear who was named Dyck. He one day met his friend Carrot, who was later killed after being stuck into some girl's vagina.
Pear then became very sadistic and no one loved him, and he became mentally fruit-pressed. One day he met a Banana named Harvey Weinstein, and they got married and had children who were all named Minion. Eventually, the rest of his family died, and Pear was left slowly rotting away. His last words were, "I have finally 'peared' the consequences of all my actions."
Fruit is like life. You slowly eat it away as it slowly also begins to rot like everyone I’ve known.
I’ll never forget my Granddad’s last words to me just before he died.
“Are you still holding the ladder?”
I was digging in our garden when I found a chest completely full of gold coins.
I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.
What did Cermet the frog say at Jim Henson's funeral?
Nothing...
When Lexa took Clarke out on a date, she walked past the candle shop, and she bought all the candles. After the date, they went back to the Heda's (Commander's) Tower, which is basically a huge candle. "All I wanna do is Candle you!"