Death jokes
An obese, depressed mother is trying to tie a noose, but can't reach it, so she calls her son for help.
*A few minutes later*
son: There.
mother: Where did you learn to tie such a good noose?
son: Dad showed me before he died.
mother: DAMN HIM TO HE- *slips and the noose chokes her to death*
What's a skeleton's favorite instrument?
A tromboner.
There were 500 bricks on a plane. One fell off.
Little Sally was crossing a river full of crocodiles. How did she survive the river? She had a gun. When she got out of the river, she died. Why? Because a brick fell on her head.
Q: How many dead hookers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Not three. My damn basement is still dark...
Why didn't the bitch ass skeleton fly?
'Cause me mum flew all the way and Trevor is a boofahead.
I still remember my dad's last words: "Don't worry son, Allah will be pleased."
Why are there gates on a graveyard?
Because people are dying to get inside. Lol
What did the suicidal leprechaun say?
"Irish I was dead."
Why did Princess Diana cross the road?
She wasn’t wearing her seatbelt.
Did you know Princess Diana had dandruff? They found her head and shoulders all over the windshield.
My girlfriend passed away recently.
At the funeral, everyone was shocked about it.
Still, even when dead, she is the best shag I've ever known.
A pun walked into a room and killed ten people. Pun in, ten dead.
Why can't a T-Rex clap?
He's dead.
What do you call a 6 year old with no friends?
A Sandy Hook survivor.
Where did Lucy go in the bombing... Everywhere.
How did Steven Hawking die?
He lost internet connection.
Why did the skeleton not go to the dance?
Because he’s dead.
You idiot.
Last time I talked to my girlfriend, she was yelling at me to put the hammer down.
A pun enters the room and kills ten people.
Pun in, ten dead.
A man has a terminal illness and isn't sure how long he has left to live, so he talks to his doctor. The man asks, "How long am I going to live?"
The doctor says, "Depends, what time is it?" The doctor then looks at his watch and says, "10".
The man asks, "Ten what?"
Then the doctor keeps going, "6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1".
How did Stephen Hawking die?
Somebody threw an EMP at him.