I’ll always remember my father’s last words: “I’m gonna sleep for a little.”
Death Jokes
I saw my wife at the dam yesterday. Drat. I was hoping she might float a bit more downstream.
Dead.
I keep looking for my girlfriend's killer, but no one wants to do it.
I remember when I was at a funeral at the age of 6. I was with my grandma and asked, "Grandma, Grandma, why is that man in a box?"
And she says, "He's in a better place now." I look at her confused and ask, "What kind of box did he live in before?! How is this box better than the last one?! It's just a box!"
And to this day I am still not allowed to go to funerals.
When you're banging the class slut and the school shooter says to leave his corpses alone.
Why did the koala fall off the tree? Because it was dead, DUHHHHHHHHHHH!
What's the difference between a pile of dead babies and a Ferrari?
I don't have a Ferrari in my garage.
Teacher: I was an orphan when I was younger.
Student: Oof.
Teacher: Is anyone not here?
Student: Yes, your parents.
A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide.
The librarian said, "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."
There will be no school shooter joke today in honor of the 10 people killed in the Colorado grocery store shooting. R.I.P.
Hey, what is the difference between a painting and a wife?
Only the wife was hung up.
Do you know how to make a plumber cry?
Kill his family.
My mom told me to unplug all the electronics, so I unplugged my grandma's life support.
I respect anyone who devotes their life to charity work.
But I think Paul Walker went a step too far.
What's yellow and can’t swim?
Your dead fish.
When the school shooter gives the autistic kid a glock and he shoots himself, thinking it’s a cigarette.
Where did the orphan go after the orphanage blew up everywhere?
What does a bicycle and Jade Goody have in common?
They can't reach 30.
Why can’t orphans have sex, my friends? Why? They have none to call daddy.
