Death jokes
A man dies and goes to Heaven. He sees a bunch of clocks and asks Jesus what they are for. He replied they are gauges, and that they move when people lie. He said that Mother Teresa's has moved twice, Abraham Lincoln's once, and George Washington's never.
The man asks to see the current president's, and Jesus just laughs and says that Joe Biden's is the one keeping the hurricanes to speed.
Q: What do you call a pigeon that is full of poop that flies in front of a car?
A: A suicide bomber.
My grandfather said I was too reliant on technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.
Gwen, we can chat in 2 months. My aunt just died from COVID, and it is taking forever for us to get there to California. I love you, your boyfriend, Prince!
My grandfather told me I’m too reliant on technology, so I unplugged his life support and called him a hypocrite. I doubt he ever said that to anyone ever again.
Mufasa, proof that cats don't always land on their feet.
My son, who is into astronomy, asked me how stars die. I said, "Usually from an overdose."
Friends are like penguins: if you stab them, they die. 😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈
What’s the difference between a child and a suicider?
One stays quiet forever...
1) Did you hear the one about the school shooting? Actually, I better not... You wouldn't understand, it's aimed more towards a younger audience.
2) 6 was scared cuz 7 8 9, so why was 10 scared? Because it was in between 9/11.
3) 10 dead babies.
What's grosser than gross? A truckload of dead babies.
What's grosser than that? A live one at the bottom.
What's grosser than that? When he eats his way out.
Grosser than that? When he goes back for more.
Saying I'm sorry and I apologize are basically the same thing... except at a funeral.
I was speaking at my grandpa's funeral and I told everybody his last words: "You still holding the ladder?"
What did the chicken say after he died? Nothing.
Please read all of it. I know it's long, please read all of it.
This dad heard his daughter praying. As she was praying, she came to an end: "Goodnight grandma, goodbye grandpa, goodnight daddy, goodnight mommy." The dad didn't think about the grandpa part and headed to bed. The next morning, the mom and dad heard that the grandpa died. The dad thought it was just coincidence, so he carried on with his day. At night, he heard his daughter again: "Goodbye grandma, goodnight daddy, goodnight mommy." After he heard "goodbye grandma," his facial expression changed, and he went straight to bed. The next morning, the grandma died out of nowhere. The dad began to worry and continued on with his day. At night, he heard his daughter again: "Goodbye daddy, goodnight mommy." The dad got scared, so he had a plan to go to work and stay hidden there. So that's what he did. When he got home the next day, his wife asked where he had been, and he replied back, "Sorry honey, I had a horrible day today." She replied back saying: "Oh, you think you had a bad day? The mailman just died on the front porch this morning!" If you get it, you get it.
My dad died in 9/11. He was a great pilot.
I was digging and found some gold. I was going to tell my mom, then I remembered why I was digging.
Why did the chicken cross the road? To become roadkill.
What happened to the chicken after he died? He did not say anything, so I don't know.
A man asked for poison and another man gave it to him. The first man took a sip and said, "hmmm, this tastes like arsenic." He took a sip of another and said, "hmmm, this tastes like cyanide. A very unpleasant taste that brings back memories."