Death jokes
What do you call a decapitated politician?
A severed head of state.
What's the difference between Isaac Newton and the baby I just killed?
Isaac Newton died a virgin!š
There's a plane crash. Every single person died.
Who lived? The married people!
Why are skeletons not funny? Because they have no humor. š¤£
Little Timmy said, "I had a body, eieio, now you are next!" as he shoots you.
Deku: Hey, Todoroki?
Shoto: Wht?
Deku: I just found out on the news that your dad froze to death. Do you know who did it?
Shoto: :)
What did they do with his body when he died?
They made him into Lego so kids can play with him for once.
My dad and I were fishing one day.
Thatās where he met my stepmom.
They finally released the audio recording from the black box in Kobeās helicopter.
Apparently when the helicopter caught fire, Kobe was sitting right next to the only fire extinguisher. You could hear everyone screaming for him to put out the fire, but he couldnāt figure out how to use it. They begged and pleaded for him to give the extinguisher to anyone else... the last thing you hear is Kobe saying āIād rather die than pass it!ā
I will always remember my grandfather's last words before he died: "Is that a real chainsaw?"
Why can't ghosts stay happy? Because they are too skeletal.
One time a girl was telling her boyfriend if she could have sex with him for just a little bit, and he said sure, so she just started having sex. She asked him if they could have a baby, but he said sure and started going hard. She told him she was joking, but he wouldn't get off. So she did the 69, and months later, she died, and he said he thinks he killed her with sex.
Why did Sally fall off the swing?
Because she got shot. Dumb bitch!
There was an animal on my porch, then I shot it in the head. It was strange that it had coffee in its hand. I flipped it over, and it was an animal, but it looked a lot like my kid.
What's the difference between a gay guy and a freezer? The freezer doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.
What do Michelangelo and Kurt Cobain have in common? They both used their brains to paint the walls.
Three men walk into heaven at the same time. They all live in the same city. God asks the first man, "How did you die?" The man says, "I have a heart condition, and I've been suspecting my wife of cheating for some time. Anyway, I get home from work and I see my wife on the bed and a man hanging off the balcony. I get so mad and stomp on the guy's fingers! He falls into a bush, so I throw a refrigerator on him." God asks the next man, "How did you die?" The man says, "I was cleaning the windows, and then this crazy man starts stomping on my fingers! Luckily, I fall safely in a bush! But then a refrigerator falls on me!" God asks the third man, and he says, "I was the one in the fridge!"
A cemetery should be built next to orphanages, so the orphans can see their parents.
A necrophiliac woman goes over to her friend's house after hooking up.
"Was it hung?" her friend asks.
"No, he was shot."
Man 1: Hey, I heard you survived a school shooting. What was it like?
Man 2: People were screaming and running everywhere. I was only able to get a few of them.
What does an apple and suicidal person have in common?
They're both hanging from a tree.