Death jokes

You see a cat, it's dead, you are dead.

A pilot is having a talk with one of his passengers. The passenger asks, "Why did you become a pilot?" The pilot replies with, "To face my fears." The passenger then says, "You're afraid of heights?" "No, I'm afraid of dying alone."

Why did mommy disappear? The dad: Well, when she crossed the road to get to the chicken, she only made it halfway.

I'd tell you a Kobe joke.

But I am afraid it wouldn't land well.

Kobe Bryant jokes just don't really fly well now.

Orphan: My mommy and daddy love me.

Guy: Where are they then?

Orphan: In the eternal depths of [hell].

Orphans: Where are my parents?

Random person: In the bed.

My friend came over to my house. He asked where my girlfriend was, and I told him she is in the garden.

He said, "That's weird, I didn't see her." I said, "You have to dig a little."

I still remember my grandpa's last words: "Turn the lawn mower off!"

Man dies.

What hits the ground first, the feather or the emo?

The feather, because the emo is hung in the tree.

My grandpa unplugged the AC, so I unplugged his life support.

Do I like playing Russian Roulette? Gun to the head, I'd have to say no.

They laughed at my crayon drawing.

I laughed at their chalk outline.

My wife walked in on me cheating on her and said, "How could you cheat on me?!" I said, "She was lying naked on the table what I was supposed to do?" and my wife responded with, "Perform the autopsy."

What's the difference between a cop and a bullet?

When a bullet kills someone, it gets fired.

Just noticed something: all celebrities die badly except for Elvis. He had a relief after Taco Bell.

There was an American wrestler from Texas named John, who throughout his high school career had never lost a match. As he went on into college he continued undefeated. He became a national icon and symbol of American strength.

News began to circulate of a Russian wrestler who was fierce and unstoppable. As each wrestler's legends grew, a match was set up between the two, America versus Russia. The match would be held in Texas.

John began training immediately. Every day his coach would tell him, “This Russian has a move called the Mongolian Death Grip. No one has ever escaped the Mongolian Death Grip. DO NOT let him get you in the Mongolian Death Grip.”

The day of the match finally came. Just before each wrestler stepped onto the mat in front of the capacity crowd, the coach once again said, “Whatever you do, do not let him get you in the Mongolian death grip. No one has ever escaped the Mongolian death grip.”

Four seconds into the match, the Russian had the American in the Mongolian death grip. The coach buried his face into his hands and cursed John for not listening to his advice. All of the sudden he heard the crowd irrupt in a chant of USA USA USA. He looked up and saw the Russian pinned by John. The coach ran out to meet John and embarrassingly told him, “I didn’t see... Once he had you in the Mongolian Death Grip I looked away. How in the world did you get out of the Mongolian death grip?”

With heavy breath, John told him, “Well coach, that Russian grabbed me and twisted my body in ways I never imagined possible. I was wincing in pain when I open my eyes and right in front of me were two testicles. So I bit them.”

“What???” Said the coach... “John I don’t think that is legal. You could be disqualified.”

“I don’t know about that coach. But I can tell you one thing. You ain’t got no idea how strong you are until you bite your own balls.”

As I was eating this girl out, I thought I tasted some horse semen... I exclaimed, "Oh, Grandma! That's how you died!"

One time I fucked this chick so hard, she almost came back to life.