Day jokes

I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.

On September 11, 2001, I was in geometry class.

On that day, we learned you can remove one side of a pentagon by intersecting it with a plane.

What has 2 or 3 hands and is always right twice a day when it is broken?

A clock.

I dated a lot of girls before I married my wife. I was living with one of them when I arrived home one day to find her bags packed and next to the door. I asked her, "Baby, what's going on?" She said, "I'm leaving you."

"But why?" I replied.

"Because you're a pedophile!" she answered.

"That's a pretty big word for a six-year-old," I said.

So, I was in the woods the other day raping this woman when she screamed, 'Please! Think of my children!' I said, 'Ooo, you kinky bitch.'

Why did Catholic women stop going to church?

Because it takes Jesus three days to rise.

Why do orphans have 363 days in a year?

Because they have no Father's or Mother's days.

What’s the difference between anal and oral sex?

Oral sex makes your day. Anal makes your hole weak.

Have you heard the word of the day? It’s "legs".

Now, let’s go back to my place and I can spread them.

My sister's boyfriend was coming around for Christmas Day. He had the option of two birds to tuck into: Turkey or Goose.

I said, "Are you not satisfied with my sister, who is literally handing herself on a plate to you?!"

So, I was in the woods the other day raping this woman when she screamed, 'Please! Think of my children!'

I thought, 'Ooo, you kinky bitch.'

My ex broke up with me the day before his birthday. Yeah, he never got to see anything on his birthday. Next thing you know, I'm now in prison.

It's a Italy day outside the fields.

Kermit the Frog and Fozzie Bear were having a picnic.

Fozzie said, "Do you know where Ms. Piggy is? I haven't seen her all day."

Kermit said, "I don't know, but this extra bacon cheeseburger sure tastes great."

I was lying on the living room carpet the other day with my girlfriend on top of me in wings and a tutu, making out.

I called her the Fallen Angel.

Apparently there was a woman from Australia who had sex with 500 men in one day.

That's like a real life "Your mom" joke.

I got sad today.

If you look for something for 10 days and a woman walks in, opens a cabinet, and finds it:

So, just hire a female pope for the Holy Grail that has been missing for 500 years so she just opens a cabinet and she finds it.

What is a nudist's least favorite holiday?

Memorial Day.

Why?

Because wearing a poppy can be very painful.

My dad told me he only drinks on days that start with a "T":

Tuesday, Thursday, today, tomorrow.